My Personal Journal.

first entry of 2012.

2012-01-16T04:52:00.000-08:00

well, that should sum up how busy i am. awal tahun cikgu cikgi memang super busy.

*ah kau tak busy pon memang malas update blog kan.

sekian.

a thousand years.

2011-12-18T08:57:00.000-08:00

i have loved you for a thousand years
i'll love you for a thousand more.

sometimes i wonder.

2011-12-09T04:34:00.000-08:00

-

2011-11-13T06:11:00.000-08:00

and all of the sudden,

tears running down my face.

off bleeding and stressed.

2011-10-12T22:36:00.000-07:00

my bleeding is getting worse. it has been 11 months since i got married and my period is still not regular.

and it makes me even more stressed out. oh wait, stressed makes me bleeds more. damn.

its heavy. its making me sick. its making me stressed.

what is wrong with me???

Ya Allah! Tuhan manusia, yang menghilangkan kesusahan, sembuhkanlah, Engkaulah yang menyembuhkan. Tidak ada yang menyembuhkan selain Engkau, penyembuhan yang tiada meninggalkan sebarang penyakit.

Amin.

wordless wednesday.

2011-10-12T05:21:00.002-07:00

pic courtesy of google

freaky friday.

2011-10-06T17:22:00.001-07:00

ku bawa hati jauh berlari..

tak bermaksud diri mu aku benci...

scared.

2011-09-27T23:11:00.000-07:00

if u think a problem is a problem then it'll become a problem. if u think a problem is a challenge, ure gonna figure out some ways to overcome it.

that's what my lecturer said the other day and it got me thinking.

with all the problems that are coming continuously towards me one after another, all i want to do is just to curl up in my bed, cry it all out and let the tears wash them away. but when i think back, all these problems are caused by me. my improper planning. my ignorance. if only i plan, i think, i care, these things will not turn out to be like this.

but its all i can do. its all we can do. saying if-onlys. because that's what we do when we want to comfort ourselves. when we want to believe that somehow, we are not the one to blame, when indeed, it's all on us.

oh my. how i wish i do things differently.

and now im stuck here, trying to figure out ways to solve everything, when i actually haven't find any.

ya Allah, help me.....im scared.....

.

2011-09-27T22:02:00.000-07:00

saya risau.

torn.

2011-09-12T23:17:00.001-07:00

hari ni ada taklimat pukul 2.30 petang.

ada kelas pukul 4.00 petang.

hari khamis ada meeting audit pukul 2.00 petang.

ada kelas pukul 4.00 petang.

kalau pasir gudang tak jem memang la cepat boleh sampai.

tapi dekat highway tebrau je boleh stuck sampai 15 minit.

minggu pertama dah lewat pg kelas.

T_________T

ganjil?

2011-09-12T17:54:00.000-07:00

“
-Gadis melayu berniqab, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu menutup aurat sepenuhnya, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu melabuhkan tudung menutupi dada mereka, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu mengenakan pakaian longgar dan besar, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu malu untuk keluar bersama bukan mahram, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu pakai stoking kaki ke mana-mana walau mandi bersama kawan-kawan di laut, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu pakai stoking tangan walau dah mengenakan t-shirt lengan panjang, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu meninggalkan orang yang sedang gosip dan mengata orang lain walaupun yang sedang mengata itu kawan baiknya, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu tidak mengenakan mekap berlebihan, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu tidak memakai perfume kecuali sekadar sangat sedikit dan tidak terhidu orang lain, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu tak ‘couple’ sebelum nikah, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu tak materialistik dan memilih kehidupan untuk taat kepada agama, ganjil?
-Gadis melayu ganjil?

Sabda Rasulullah s.a.w: “Islam bermula sebagai sesuatu yang dianggap asing dan ganjil. Dan ia akan kembali sebagaimana permulaannya, dianggap asing dan ganjil. Maka, beruntunglah orang-orang yang ganjil”
(H.R. Muslim)
”

SOURCE

boring.

2011-09-12T17:11:00.001-07:00

new semester started yesterday. so was my first class. epistemology, social and ethical issues in science and technology. sounds scary? it is more to BOOORINNGGG actually. can u imagine enduring 3 hours of philosophical lectures? a brief explanation and discussion of how one scientifc concept is found or invented and how does it evolves? yes i know, boring. i was yawning for 200 times (okay that, im exaggerating ^^ but you get the idea) for that long 3 hours. can't wait to get past epistemology to go to the social applications and ethical issues. much more fun, i hope.

im taking 10 credit hours this sem, or 3 subjects. that boring subject i told you just now, another theoritical subject today (learning theory in physics) and statistics. i really look forward to statistics class on thursday. for today, i just pray hard that it wont get any more boring than yesterday's class. huhu.

got english class with 3e later. really need the emotional strength and patience. T____T

random: did you notice my style of writing changed dramatically (nak jugak guna drama) since my first entry? now i am more serious, no fun, depressed, stressed, dull, that sort of things. i used to be bubbly, you know. fresh, energetic, u can see from my style of writing. now im still a fresh, not so energetic (huahuahua) and bubbly person, but im too stressed to be bubbly all the time. hehe.

tentang syurga

2011-09-11T22:53:00.000-07:00

syurga isteri di bawah tapak kaki suami.

betul ke?

saya rasa tak.

pada saya,

syurga isteri adalah suami.

kerana bila saya tengok dia tersenyum, saya bahagia.

kerana bila saya lihat dia berjaya, saya bangga.

because i feel safe when im with him.

kerana dia adalah kebahagiaan saya.

kerana dia adalah kebanggaan saya.

dan kerana dia adalah syurga saya.

...

2011-09-11T22:36:00.000-07:00

walau tiada tangan menghulur

kan ku tetap berdiri teguh, ku bangkit semula

Salma - Aku Permata.

dan hati terdetik lagi.

2011-09-11T21:38:00.000-07:00

sabarlah yuhaniz.

T________T

terlajak.

2011-09-10T11:01:00.000-07:00

sekarang ada projek. bayar hutang pada en. hairuden sebenarnya. oh. en. hairuden tu penolong kanan hem. awal tahun hari tu, yours truly dapat arahan untuk mengemaskini website sekolah.

tapi masalahnya, takde masa untuk itu. sebab, setiap kali terlalu engaged dalam kerja-kerja kreatif komputer, mesti terbawak2 sampai terlajak.

dulu masa buat undergraduate punya final project, stay up sampai pukul 5 pagi nak develop courseware.

masa amek subjek programming, tak bergerak daripada meja sampai la coding selesai.

macam tu jugak masa develop courseware untuk master.

sekarang arahan datang masa betul2 tengah sibuk. mana la boleh tido lewat sekarang. pukul 6 pagi dah nak kena bangun untuk bersiap pergi kerja. petang ada kelas master. mana nak jadi isteri. mana nak jadi cikgu. mana nak jadi pelajar. mana nak jadi guru kelas. mana nak jadi setiausaha peperiksaan dalaman.

jadi naturally, arahan tinggal arahan. kesian en. hairuden.

sekarang website sekolah dah di-divert-kan pada blog rasmi sekolah.

tapi saya rasa berhutang dengan en. hairuden. berhutang tugas.

jadi saya cari platform yang paling mudah untuk bina web, supaya bila saya takde nanti, senang orang lain ambil alih. platform website sekarang susah, malas saya nak explore. lebih mudah untuk saya mula daripada scratch.

maka saya pun memulakan projek ini.

tapi tulah. terbawak2 sampai terlajak.

nasib baik sekarang suami tengok bola. jadi ada la peneman.

oh. sekarang pukul 2.10 pagi. saya lebih selesa buat kerja kreatif pada waktu malam. idea lebih laju.

sebab tu saya kata takde masa untuk website sekolah.

maafkan saya en. hairuden. saya akan sedaya upaya siapkan sebelum cuti sekolah akhir tahun.

berusaha yuhaniz.

saya nak yang ni.

2011-09-07T08:21:00.000-07:00

tapi saya baru beli fon.

dan harganya sangat mahal juga.

lebih mahal dari fon sekarang.

tapi saya suka.

takpelah.

lagi 3 tahun boleh beli. *kenapa 3 tahun? sendiri musykil.

sekarang berangan je lah.

*ke ada orang nak belikan untuk saya?

hee.

assalamualaikum.

*pic credit to google*

some thoughts.

2011-09-05T23:27:00.000-07:00

going through all my blog entries again, i realize that i blogged more in 2009 than in 2008, 2010 and 2011 put together.

perlu lebih gigih ya yuhaniz.

assalamualaikum.

suddenly...

2011-09-05T03:33:00.000-07:00

i dont feel interested in teaching anymore. everyday is just another day to me. i prefer my s/u peperiksaan thingy more than my teaching thingy.

and i know, this is not because i lost interest in teaching. i love teaching.

this is because my heart cant take it anymore. my mind cant take this anymore.

teaching language.

i dont feel challenged. my days are dull. im not really good in english, but english is something that i dont have to study to be able to teach. and i was born a student. i love studying. i love staying up until 3am, solving complicated physics questions and answering hard mathematical problems. i love finding the easiest way to explain a hard physics concept to students so that they will understand it easier.

i miss calculations.

and im bored. to the point that i make the effort to fill in jobstreets to find some other jobs.

i cant take this anymore. ive been trying for almost two years now. but im a science person. im a fact person. im not a language person.

ya Allah, help me out...........

So how much does a miracle cost?

2011-08-22T04:28:00.000-07:00

A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet. She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes. Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door. She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!

"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. "I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages," he said without waiting for a reply to his question.

"Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. "He's really, really sick... and I want to buy a miracle."

''I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.

"His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?"

"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you," the pharmacist said, softening a little.

"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough,I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs."

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?"

"I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. "I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money."

"How much do you have?" asked the man from Chicago.

"One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered barely audibly. And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to."

"Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven cents --- the exact price of a miracle for little brothers. "

He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said, "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need."

That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well. Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.

"That surgery," her Mom whispered. "was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?"

Tess smiled.. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar and eleven cents ..... plus the faith of a little child..

I will watch over you.

2011-08-22T04:24:00.000-07:00

A drunk man in an Oldsmobile
They said had run the light
That caused the six-car pileup
On 109 that night.

When broken bodies lay about
And blood was everywhere,
The sirens screamed out eulogies,
For death was in the air.

A mother, trapped inside her car,
Was heard above the noise;
Her plaintive plea near split the air:
Oh, God, please spare my boys!"

She fought to loose her pinned hands;
She struggled to get free,
But mangled metal held her fast
In grim captivity.

Her frightened eyes then focused
On where the back seat once had been,
But all she saw was broken glass and
Two children's seats crushed in.

Her twins were nowhere to be seen;
She did not hear them cry,
And then she prayed they'd been thrown free,
Oh, God, don't let them die!"

Then firemen came and cut her loose,
But when they searched the back,
They found therein no little boys,
But the seat belts were intact.

They thought the woman had gone mad
And was travelling alone,
But when they turned to question her,
They discovered she was gone.

Policemen saw her running wild
And screaming above the noise
In beseeching supplication,
Please help me find my boys!

They're four years old and wear blue shirts;
Their jeans are blue to match."
One cop spoke up, "They're in my car,
And they don't have a scratch.

They said their daddy put them there
And gave them each a cone,
Then told them both to wait for Mom
To come and take them home.

I've searched the area high and low,
But I can't find their dad.
He must have fled the scene,
I guess, and that is very bad."

The mother hugged the twins and said,
While wiping at a tear,
He could not flee the scene, you see,
For he's been dead a year."

The cop just looked confused and asked,
Now, how can that be true?"
The boys said, "Mommy, Daddy came
And left a kiss for you."

He told us not to worry
And that you would be all right,
And then he put us in this car with
The pretty, flashing light.

We wanted him to stay with us,
Because we miss him so,
But Mommy, he just hugged us tight
And said he had to go.

He said someday we'd understand
And told us not to fuss,
And he said to tell you, Mommy,
He's watching over us."

The mother knew without a doubt.
That what they spoke was true,
For she recalled their dad's last words,
I will watch over you."

The firemen's notes could not explain
The twisted, mangled car,
And how the three of them escaped
Without a single scar.

But on the cop's report was scribed,
In print so very fine,
An angel walked the beat tonight
on Hwy. 109

.

2011-08-19T08:50:00.000-07:00

can i not go to school tomorrow?

please?

....

T_________T

...

2011-08-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

tiba-tiba rasa sangat rindu pada maktok tak sedar air mata mengalir.

maktok. anis rindu.

semoga maktok aman di sana.

alfatihah.

entry makanan di bulan puasa.

2011-08-14T21:45:00.000-07:00

assalamualaikum.

setelah sekian lama tak update, hari ni nak tulis pasal makanan.

boleh dikatakan sepanjang puasa hampir hari-hari masak untuk buka puasa. sebab rasa macam tak lalu nak makan makanan yang beli kat bazar, plus boyfren pun lebih prefer makan masakan rumah. macam-macam menu dah rasanya, tapi memang confirm2 la yang simple, mana la kita pandai masak nasi beriyani bagai kan. tapi cuma 3 gambar ni je yang sempat diambil, sebab selalunya siap masak dah pukul 7.00 lepas tu sibuk nak hidang nak mandi nak buka memang tak sempat la nak ambil gambar. so there you go.

ini oreo cheesecake. buat hari sabtu lepas dgn my sister in law. boleh la. rase la cheese cake. untuk first attempt, boyfren kita bagi 75%. hehe.

ini lauk berbuka semalam. ayam masak lemak cili api ( boyfren request dpd hari jumaat hari tu), bendi goreng cili api, dengan sambal telur puyuh. terus sampai ke sahur. malas masak banyak kali.

yang ni bila punya ntah hari tu. dalam minggu lepas la. saja gatal nak buka puasa western. jadik la jugak.... chicken chop dgn black pepper sauce, with chips, coleslaw and scrambled eggs. scrambled eggs tu takde dalam plan pun, sebenarnya lebihan celup ayam sebelum goreng tu. sayang nak buang. buat la scrambled eggs.

hari ni tatau nak masak apa.

okeh tu je. sekian.

adilkah kita?

2011-07-31T14:24:00.000-07:00

assalamualaikum.

apa itu adil? ok fine, kalo dari segi bahasa, adil memang bererti sama rata. tidak berat sebelah. tapi betul ke sama rata tu adil?

for example, 3 org adik beradik. 6 biji epal. A tak suka epal. B sakit perut kalo makan epal. C pulak memang hantu epal. adilkah kita kalau kita bagi epal 2 biji seorang, knowing that only C will eat both apples, A memang takkan makan langsung, B masuk hospital lepas makan epal. adilkah kita?

ataupun kita dah berlaku zalim dengan memudaratkan B dan tidak mengambil kira kesukaan A?

sebab tu, dalam Islam, adil itu bermaksud meletakkan sesuatu pada tempatnya. maksudnya, kalau A suka anggur, B suka oren, C suka epal, kita berikan mereka buah kegemaran mereka. 2 biji seorang. itu lebih adil berbanding membelikan semua epal dan end up cuma seorang yang makan. so much for fair and equality.

sama jugak konsep dengan sekolah. pelajar. saya tetap rasa untuk berlaku adil, kita tidak melayan murid secara sama rata. pelajar yang baik takkan kita nak marah sama dengan pelajar yang biadap kan? tu dah berlaku zalim, which by definition, is a complete opposite of adil. pelajar yang perlukan perhatian lebih dgn pelajar yang dah pandai, kan berbeza perhatian kita? itu tak bermaksud kita tak adil. malah itu lebih adil lagi berbanding perhatian yang sama rata menyebabkan kita menzalimi pelajar yang kurang pandai tadi.

kerja. memang nampak tak adil bila kita nampak asyik kita yang buat buku program (sebagai contoh sahaja. im totally fine with that. its what i love to do). orang lain rileks je buat persiapan tempat, uruskan pelajar. tapi tanpa kita sedari, mungkin asyik kita buat buku program because we're good at that. orang lain buat teks ucapan because they're good at that. cuba bagi saya buat teks ucapan. memang lah akan memalukan diri sendiri dengan ke'loser'an penguasaan bahasa melayu saya. kan dah zalim namanya. but im good with publisher. so its only fair la kan bila kita diberi tugas yang kita boleh buat.

jadi kesimpulannya kat sini, janganlah asyik compare je dengan org lain. memang lah kita tak akan bersyukur. kata orang tu tak adil, orang ni tak adil. padahal orang tu dan prang ni dah berusaha bagi tugasan seadil-adilnya. cikgu tu dan cikgu ni dah berusaha bagi perhatian seadil-adilnya.

bukankah adil itu bermaksud meletakkan sesuatu pada tempatnya?

salam ramadhan. =)

---

2011-07-12T06:23:00.000-07:00

saya rindu fizik.

saya depressed jauh dengan fizik.

saya nak merajuk tak dapat ajar fizik.

syukur.

2011-07-11T05:58:00.001-07:00

He gave me you for a reason.

a lot, really.

and i really should be thankful for that.

and for so many other things He gave me.

many.

i feel so small.

alhamdulillah.

@ work.

2011-07-06T18:55:00.000-07:00

wanna see how my table looks like at 1.49pm?

1. printer canon 3-in-1. selain memprint (is that even a word??), tugas utamanya juga adalah memfotostat kertas soalan secara emergency apabila kertas soalan hilang tak dapat dikesan 15 minit sebelum exam bermula T_____T

2. laptop kesayangan kecintaan kebucukan.

3. lunch. milo + weetameal. untuk bekalan sebelum ke meeting pukul 2.45 nanti.

4. koleksi teacher's stamp and my name's stamps. calculator (td kira markah latihtubi). stapler (tatau kenapa terkeluar dpd pencilcase). pen merah (sbb tengah menanda buku kerja).

5. rak untuk meletak buku2 latihan pelajar yang dah tak muat dok atas meja.

6. pencilcase bagak. bagak bererti besar. ada lagi satu pencilcase lagi superbagak bawak ke kelas (tiada dlm gambar)

7. buku latihan + buku rekod. baru balik dari kelas belum sempat letak balik semua buku kat rak.

8. buku yang belum ditanda.

9. buku yang sedang ditanda.

10. buku yang telah ditanda.

11. folder keputusan pelajar (yang sepatutnya sudah dihantar ke bilik kaunseling tapi ntah bila nak hantar tataula)

12. handbag buruk dah koyak tertetas hukum wajib beli handbag baru.

13. air kosong. sebagai cikgu harus banyak minum air kosong ye adik2.

ni masa kemas la ni. selalunya kalau nak balik kita memang biar atas meja kosong. tapi sbb sekarang ni banyak sangat buku nak ditanda (pemantauan @__@) maka meja akan terbiar begini selama berminggu-minggu.

oklah nak habeskan lunch siapkan tanda buku pastu nak masuk meeting.

assalamualaikum.

ps: sambil tengok harry potter sebenarnya wawawawawa~

rindu.

2011-07-05T22:07:00.000-07:00

4 things that i miss the most:

1. ikea fish and chips. sodap.

2. ikea meatball 10 pieces. of kos la sume org tau sedap kan.

3. ikea coffee. sukatan yang sedap: 2 1/2 sugar, 2 creamer. 5 kali refill okeh (2 org minum la). tips: beli satu jek. boleh refill ikot suka. yang penting kene parking dekat dgn stesen air. heh. jimat.

4. and of kos la my darling Hubs <3 <3 <3

saya depressed.

2011-07-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

sape kate lipat baju tak depressing?

being born with an aunt who has a laundry, ive grown to be a particular fussy nyonya when it comes to cloth folding. tapi sikap perfectionist itu adalah tidak relevan apabila baju yang perlu dilipat adalah hasil dari 4 trip basuhan T_______T tapi dah jadi habit kan, jadi kita sangat lah lambat bila melipat baju. pastu bila hubby nak tolong kita mesti hep-hep-jangan-kaco-abang-lipat-tak-cantik lalu hubby pun bawa diri pergi main football manager.

pukul 8.30 start, pukul 11 baru siap.

tensen tensen. i hate hate hate sungguh la melipat baju ni *padahal baju aku la yang paling banyak kat situ*

ok ciau esok sekolah.

entry penat.

2011-06-28T06:15:00.000-07:00

today is tuesday.

the second day of the week.

yet i feel super exhausted already................

and we're working until saturday this week.

maaaakkkk.....tamo jadi cikgu dah....penaaat....... =(

hep hep. sabar. ikhlas. redha.

baru dapat pahala. kerja awak tu mulia.

result sem 1.

2011-06-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

alhamdulillah.....syukur ya Allah..

kita betul2 ingatkan dapat cukup2 makan jek tau kali ni. memang susah sangat bekerja sambil belajar. bila ada program kat sekolah, kene ponteng kelas. siapkan assignment sampai tak tido malam. ok tipu, tido malam macam biasa jek, tapi setiap kali nak hantar assignment memang kalut la nak menyiapkan. dengan seminggu 3 kali ulang-alik utm. alhamdulillah la walaupun result tak la setinggi mana (dengan satu subjek dpt B- cukup2 makan sobsob), masih lagi result yang strong. semoga semester depan dapat result yang lebih baik lagi.

assalamualaikum.

that should be me..

2011-06-26T03:41:00.000-07:00

Everybody's laughing in my mind,
Rumors spreading 'bout this other guy,
Do you do what you did when you did with me?
Does he love you the way I can?
Did you forget all the plans that you made with me?
'cause baby I didn't...

That should be me holding your hand,
That should be me making you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me,

That should be me..

That should be me feeling your kiss,
That should be me buying you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that that should be me

That should be me..

You said you needed a little time for my mistakes,
It's funny how you used that time to have me replaced,
Did you think that I wouldn't see you out at the movies
What are you doing to me,
You're takin' him where we used to go,
Now if you're trying to break my heart,
It's working 'cause you know that...

That should be me holding your hand,
That should be me making you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me...

That should be me...

That should be me feeling your kiss,
That should be me buying you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that that should be me

I need to know should I fight
For our love for this long
It's getting harder to shield this pain in my heart...

That should be me giving you flowers
That should be me talking by hours

Never should've let you go..
I never should've let you go..
That should be me.. <3
Never should've let you go..
That should be me....

pain.

2011-06-22T23:55:00.000-07:00

2.55 pm

23th of june 2011.

stomach problem again. i think there must be some problems with my kidneys because that area feels so uncomfortable.

by calculations, there's no way im pregnant. but my period is not regular so, i don't know. ive tested with upt a week ago, though. and the result was kinda screaming to me. the negative line was so clear so im pretty sure im not carrying a human being inside me.

so i think this is gastric all over again. with all the vomitting, the weakness, the oversleeping, the fatigue. ive been through this a few times before. the symptoms are all the same. but the location of the pain is different.

i feel full, you know. like all the time.

its like period cramp. same place, same feel. wrong time.

what on earth is happening to me?

going home now. i dont want to throw up at school. there'll be so many speculation and i hate answering those questions.

ciao.

melalut pagi-pagi buta.

2011-06-20T16:59:00.000-07:00

assalamualaikum.

hari ni kita pergi sekolah drive sendiri, setelah sekian lama dihantar dan diambil oleh boss (note: boss ye bukan driver). sebab semalam kita pg beli 2 carton 7 up revive untuk hari sukan ni. bukan untuk cikgu, untuk atlit. jadi hari ni kena la drive sendiri sebab susah pulak lah nak angkat2 air gedabak berat nak mam tu pagi2 kan. lagipun hubby kata jangan angkat sendiri. dia sekarang ni langsung tak bagi kita angkat benda berat. tak kasi penat2. memang la kadang2 tu rasa berbunga2 (kembang hidung jap) tapi sebab kita dah biasa buat semua sendiri tiba-tiba kena tunggu dia untuk angkat barang semua kadang2 adalah sedikit melecehkan. tapi takpela. tu maksudnya dia sayang kan. heh. nanti nak kerah budak badan besar2 soh pi angkat air gedabak tu masuk bilik guru.

pagi ni breakfast kek coklat dengan air kopi. tiba-tiba hubby request air kopi pulak. hari-hari kita buat air teh jek sebab senang kan. kopi nak kena tapis2 semua. air teh ha campak je la teabag tu dengan gula 2 sudu pastu tuang air panas. siap. ha. kalau korang datang rumah kita orang kan memang la minum teh tawar sebab kita orang memang bukan hard core air manis. manis-manis buah je kan. pastu hubby kita senang jek breakfast dia. bagi la dia cornflakes dengan susu. pastu buat air panas satu jag. dia makan cornflakes dengan kita sebelum kita pi skolah pastu dia minum air panas sebelum dia pi lab. senang je. cuma kalau weekend yang kita tak berkejar nak pi sekolah, kita masak la nasi goreng ke mee goreng ke jemput-jemput ke kan.

hari ni bangun pukul 6.20. ok hari-hari pun bangun pukul 6.20. belum ada anak lagi boleh la kan. nanti kejap lagi kalau ada anak memang selamat la kalau bangun lambat tak pi sekolah la. takpe. enjoy la bangun lambat selagi ada masa. hubby pun tak bising. kalau weekend tu memang selamat la kita bangun lagi lambat dari dia. hehe.

okay dah habes melalut. nanti kalau free kita sambung lagi. sekarang nak masuk 5st1 dgn 5st2 relief pj. apa la den nak buek ni. haih.

assalamualaikum.

kira hari.

2011-06-16T08:13:00.000-07:00

tak sabar tunggu weekend sebab:

1. nak kemas rumah yang sikit lagi dah rupa kapal karam.

2. nak lipat baju yang timbun2 cam gunung.

assalamualaikum.

tiba-tiba.

2011-06-15T08:04:00.000-07:00

1. suka pulak tengok background putih terang benderang ni. terbeliak mata tengok.

2. now its 11.05 pm and i just woke up from a 2-hour-sleep. pastilah susah nak tido lepas ni.

3. on my third day for 14-day-nestle bliss challenge.

4. esok tak masuk sekolah. kena pg PPD untuk pengumpulan data SAP. hopefully habes awal. boleh balik awal.

5. teringin makan pavlova.

6. both of us sekarang sakit tekak, selesema, batuk. sindrom balik dari redang.

7. deep inside dalam hati......... takpelah.

kadang-kadang kita terfikir.

2011-06-14T08:14:00.000-07:00

lately memang takde banyak post. selalu dah type halfway pastu lupa apa nak tulis.

tadi pukul 8 mcm biasala hubby tengok berita. since kawen ni kita memang terjebak la tengok berita sekali sbb hubby memang tiap2 hari tengok. jadi up to date la kita sekarang ni dengan current issues.

tapi bukan berita hari ni yang kita nak cerita sangat.

lepas tengok situasi negara, from all aspects la kan, kita terfikir beberapa perkara. *cewah macam serius jek bunyik padahal sebelum ni ignorance gila kan*

1. kadang2 kita rasa TV3 ni macam ada sikit berat sebelah, bias la. fine la kalo nak support kerajaan ke apa kan, tapi rasa macam teruk betul the other side tu kena. saja je siarkan berita yang buat orang2 sume rasa macam the other side tu loser la defensive la sume kan. my cousin kata bagus kalo ada tv untuk the other side tu. so that rakyat boleh dengar dua2 side kan.

2. kita rasa pelik dengan orang yang komplen subsidi kurang tapi malas bayar cukai. tatau ke subsidi tu nak kena pakai banyak duit? contohnya baru2 ni kan tariff elektrik naik kan. sebelum ni murah jek kot. tah la. tapi kalo ikot gross calculation kita yang add maths hancus ni kan, kalo la orang macam kitorg ni, elektrik sebulan rm15, free jek kan tak payah bayar. kalo ada 1 juta keluarga macam kitorang, tak ke dah rm15 juta kerajaan bayarkan? sebulan. kalo 2 bulan? setahun? tu baru elektrik. nak maintain negara memang susah. kita memang tak berapa faham la benda macam ni, tapi kalo ikot logik, tiap2 bulan belanja rm15 juta bayar bil elektrik rakyat, tauke balak pon boleh bankrap woh.

jadi kesimpulannya, kita bersyukurlah dengan apa yang ada. kalau kita asyik comparekan dengan orang yang lebih senang dari kita, negara yang harga minyak lebih murah dari kita, sampai bila kita nak bersyukur? cuba kita tengok singapore je la for example kan, negara kecik cenonet jek, tapi cost of living antara sepuluh yang tertinggi kat dunia. indonesia for example, ada masyarakat majmuk jugak macam kita, tapi some parts of it tak aman, bergaduh sesama sendiri, rakyat miskin terlampau bersepah2. cuba compare sume tu dengan negara kita. barulah kita boleh bersyukur dengan anugerah Tuhan yang tak ternilai ni.

teringat kata2 sape tah kat berita semalam. kalo nak hantar memorandum tak payah la buat demonstrasi. perhimpunan haram. buat je appointment dengan istana. ha. kan senang. aman damai. hidup fikir benda susah2 buat apa. *okay yang last tu kita tambah sendiri*

tapi im neither here nor there la kan, kita tak pernah mengundi pon, masa last time election tu belum cukup umur. ni pandangan peribadi kita je. takde niat pun nak kutuk sape2 ke ape2 kan. *tapi sekarang dah daftar mengundi okay, cukup umur je terus daftar.a good citizen i am*

sekian. assalamualaikum.

a mixture of feelings.

2011-05-25T23:24:00.000-07:00

hurt. frustrated. sad. happy. satisfied. tired. hopeful.

truthfully, i am happy. i am. really. but somehow, deep inside, it kinda hurts.

and quite honestly, i dont know why it hurts a lot. because it should not. it cant hurt like this. it is not supposed to hurt like this.

but it did. and still does.

and it, this feeling, sucks.

*dont mind me. this is the hormones talking.

somehow.

2011-04-06T18:43:00.000-07:00

Kosong hidupku tanpamu
Cermin ku membayang bayanganmu
Pameran kasih ku layu
Tiada dirimu tiada untukku
Tinggalkan ku dalam anganmu
Sakitku mencintaimu
Deritaku merinduimu
Lemah hati menginginkanmu
Kau hilang terus kau menyepi
Tewasku bila ku ketahui
Berita kau sudah berpunya
Hancur hatiku
Berkeping-keping jadinya
Hilangku bukan kerana cinta
Hilangku bukan untuk menyeksa
Bagiku semua tiada berharga
Biarku telan semua derita
Pergilah kau pergi dariku
Biarku ku jalani hidup tanpamu
Tiada cinta dan kasihmu
Meski hati merelai
Mati hariku di kotak sepi
Di situ kau mula mahu mengenalinya
Langkahku songsang telah ku sedari
Semula ku hias kau jauh dah pergi
Putus komunikasi kau elakkan diri
Ku mencari jalan kembali kau mahu terus pergi
Ku ingatkan kau memori kau tutupkan telinga
Nyata tiada kita tiada jalan penyambungnya
Ya Allah maha pemurah dan maha pencipta
Terima kasih atas pertemuan antara aku dan dia
Jika nyata bukan dia pemilik tulang rusukku
Kikiskanlah pesonanya dari kedua mata
Dengan segala kelebihan dan kekurangan yang ada
Bahagiakanlah mereka berdua ku doakannya
PadaMu ku pohon sucikan hatiku
Sehinga dapat melaksana kehendak dan rencanaMu
Amin

*tiba-tiba rasa touching pulak dgr lagu ni.

bleh scratch dah 1 item dlm wishlist.

2011-03-21T22:14:00.000-07:00

ta ta da da~

terima kasih sayang. =))))))

...

2011-02-10T04:06:00.000-08:00

siapa kata jadi cikgu relax jek?

ok fine, jadi cikgu memang banyak cuti. sbb cuti skolah je dh berbulan-bulan dlm setahun kan.

tapi beban kerja cikgu memang sgt banyak.

contohnya:

saya.

1. setiausaha peperiksaan menengah rendah. kerja saya adalah memastikan peperiksaan dan penilaian berjalan lancar, guru-guru memperolehi keselesaan semasa menyediakan kertas soalan dgn menyediakan kertas omr, staples, stapler, benang, kertas foolscap dan sebagainya, menyediakan analisis keputusan setiap kali peperiksaan (ada 2 peperiksaan dan 3 penilaian setahun, tidak termsauk percubaan spm dan pmr), menyediakan kertas conquerer untuk guru-guru mencetak slip keputusan setiap kali peperiksaan, meronda setiap kelas semasa peperiksaan berlangsung untuk memastikan semua kelas memulakan peperiksaan pada waktunya, menjadi runner pada guru-guru yang terlupa mengambil kertas peperiksaan di bilik peperiksaan, memeriksa setiap subjek supaya kertas peperiksaan wujud sehari sebelum peperiksaan berlangsung, menyediakan sistem analisis peperiksaan untuk guru-guru key-in markah, menyediakan kursus pendaftaran peperiksaan dan pengisian markah kepada guru-guru setiap kali peperiksaan, dan banyak lagi.

2. guru tingkatan. tugas saya adalah menjaga kebajikan pelajar saya, memastikan kelas ceria, mengutip yuran, mengambil kehadiran pelajar setiap pagi, mengisi borang amaran kehadiran.

3. guru kelab kebudayaan.

4. guru rumah keruing.

5. guru penasihat PBSM.

6. guru mata pelajaran. saya adalah berkelulusan pendidikan fizik dan diminta mengajar bahasa inggeris sebanyak 25 waktu. tapi yang ni saya taknak komen sbb mengajar, menanda kertas, menyediakan kertas soalan dan menyemak buku adalah tugas hakiki seorang guru.

belum lagi tugas2 lain seperti ajk buku program dan sebagainya.

dan saya adalah bernasib baik berbanding banyak lagi rakan-rakan guru yang lain. contohnya rakan sebelah meja saya adalah setiausaha peperiksaan, guru kelas dan bendahari PIBG. tidka termasuk tugas2 lain.

saya tak komplen. saya cuma menerangkan.

semoga tidak ada lagi yang mengatakan jadi cikgu adalah mudah. mungkin mudah di sesetengah tempat, tapi bukan di kebanyakan tempat.

sekian.

wishlist 2011.

2011-02-09T07:11:00.000-08:00

saya nak buat wishlist tahun 2011. by tahun 2011, i mean this year. yang realistic. bukan nak beli honda stream ke rumah banglo ke sbb tu semua wishlist tahun 2020.

1. saya nak shopaholic the series. semua novel. maka perlu saving untuk beli sbb hari tu tengok kat Harris harga lebih dpd rm200.

2. saya nak harry potter 1 - 7 paperback. saya dah ada semua novel die tapi semua dah hancur lunyai sbb dah bace super banyak kali sampai ade yang dah kembang2 sbb bile puput masuk toilet bawak buku harry potter sbb tak suke melanguk tunggu tanpa buat apa-apa. kalo nak tau puput tu ape tanye buah hati saya suhaina.

3. saya nak semua novel yang dan brown tulis. saya cuma ada 1 je iaitu the symbol. saya nak semua.

3. saya nak semua novel twilight.

oh kenapa wishlist saya semua novel?

4. saya nak handphone baru. specifically nokia c7. tapi sekarang duit adalah sengkek maka kene tunggu duit bayak tapi tatau bila sbb nak beli novel dulu baru beli handphone.

5. saya nak pergi bali dengan boyfriend saya.

6. saya nak jaga kereta saya dengan lebih baik.

7. saya nak belajar sungguh-sungguh supaya boleh dpt dekan semester ni.

8. saya nak jadi teacher yang fun.

9. saya nak masak hari-hari untuk boyfriend saya.

10. saya nak sapu rumah seminggu sekali dan bilik tidur 3 hari sekali. sekarang saya cuma sapu rumah dan bilik pada hari cuti sekali. hari cuti bermaksud public holiday bukan weekend.

11. saya nak berbelanja dengan lebih berhemah dan lupakan iced milo mcdonald dan iced caramel latte dunkin donut.

12. saya nak belajar buat chicken chop.

13. saya nak...

baby.

tak kisahlah lelaki ke perempuan ke kembar ke. asalkan sihat sempurna dan senang melahirkan.

semoga saya boleh capai semua wishlist saya.

amin.

after a loooong pause.

2010-12-15T18:06:00.000-08:00

alhamdulillah, everything went great.

so i am officially a working housewife for about 46 days today. belum pon 2 bulan lagi. how's life? okay, i guess. mase cuti sekolah hari tu boleh la bersenang-lenang lalalalala kat rumah while he's working, tapi skrg im busier than him bcoz i hv to work everyday and his classes are only 4 days a week. so practically i have a house-husband with a monthly salary of about rm3500 including allowances. ehehehe.

married life......a little bit hectic. compared to when i was alone and single la kan. ye lah, dulu tak kesah pun kan breakfast ke lunch ke dinner ke kan, tp since hubby jenis yng makan kat rumah, so i hv to cook breakfast, lunch, dinner, yang mane sempat lah. but i love cooking for him, because he appreciates everything i cook even if the food doesnt taste good. tegur kurang garam pun very politely dan berhemah. ehehehe. woke up every day at 5.45 to cook breakfast, go to school, go back home at 3.30pm, and 8.00pm every monday, thursday and friday since i hv classes until 7pm at utm, cook dinner, prepare for tomorrow's lessons, and went to bed at 11.30 the latest. amazingly, its not as tiring as i expected.

i think its not that tiring because i actually love what i do. i love cooking for him, i love sitting with him at our dining table and eat together and talk about things, i love doing his laundry, and recently i think i love teaching. i love going to school to work. maybe its the beginning of the year and students still are behaving very well, but i think if i love teaching at the beginning of the year, then its a good sign. because i might still in love with my job at the end of the year. maybe not. but hey, the power of positive thinking, remember?

and for hubby, thanks for making me the luckiest woman alive. i love u, and insya Allah, will always do.

pelan rumah saya.

2010-11-24T06:31:00.000-08:00

bleh klik pada map untuk enlarge okeh. please. do come. =)

=)

2010-10-08T23:34:00.000-07:00

Suami saya adalah serorang jurutera, saya mencintai sifatnya yang semulajadi dan saya menyukai perasaan hangat yang muncul dihati saya ketika bersandar dibahunya.3 tahun dalam masa perkenalan dan 2 tahun dalam masa pernikahan, saya harus akui, bahawa saya mulai merasa letih…lelah, alasan-alasan saya mencintainya dulu telah berubah menjadi sesuatu yang menjemukan. Saya seorang wanita yang sentimental dan benar-benar sensitif serta berperasaan halus.

Saya merindui saat-saat romantis seperti seorang anak kecil yang sentiasa mengharapkan belaian ayah dan ibunya. Tetapi, semua itu tidak pernah saya perolehi. Suami saya jauh berbeza dari yang saya harapkan. Rasa sensitifnya kurang. Dan ketidakmampuannya dalam menciptakan suasana yang romantis dalam perkahwinan kami telah mematahkan semua harapan saya terhadap cinta yang ideal. Suatu hari, saya beranikan diri untuk mengatakan keputusan saya kepadanya, bahawa saya inginkan penceraian. ”Mengapa?” Dia bertanya dengan nada terkejut.

“Siti letih, Abang tidak pernah cuba memberikan cinta yang saya inginkan.” Dia diam dan termenung sepanjang malam di depan komputernya, nampak seolah-olah sedang mengerjakan sesuatu, padahal tidak.

Kekecewaan saya semakin bertambah, seorang lelaki yang tidak dapat mengekspresikan perasaannya, apalagi yang boleh saya harapkan daripadanya? Dan akhirnya dia bertanya.

“Apa yang Abang boleh lakukan untuk mengubah fikiran Siti?” Saya merenung matanya dalam-dalam dan menjawab dengan perlahan.

“Siti ada SATU soalan, kalau Abang temui jawapannya di dalam hati Siti, Siti akan mengubah fikiran Siti; Seandainya, Siti menyukai sekuntum bunga cantik yang ada di tebing gunung dan kita berdua tahu jika Abang memanjat gunung-gunung itu, Abang akan mati. Apakah yang Abang akan lakukan untuk Siti?”

Dia termenung dan akhirnya berkata, “Abang akan memberikan jawapannya esok.” Hati saya terus gundah mendengar responnya itu.

Keesokan paginya, dia tidak ada di rumah, dan saya menenui selembar kertas dengan coretan tangannya di bawah sebiji gelas yang berisi susu hangat yang bertuliskan. ..

‘Sayangku, Abang tidak akan mengambil bunga itu untukmu, tetapi izinkan Abang untuk menjelaskan alasannya.” Kalimah pertama itu menghancurkan hati saya. Namun, saya masih terus ingin membacanya.

“Siti boleh mengetik di komputer dan selalu mengusik program di dalamnya dan akhirnya menangis di depan monitor, Abang harus memberikan jari-jari Abang supaya boleh membantu Siti untuk memperbaiki program tersebut.”

“Siti selalu lupa membawa kunci rumah ketika Siti keluar, dan Abang harus memberikan kaki Abang supaya boleh menendang pintu, dan membuka pintu untuk Siti ketika pulang.”

“Siti suka jalan-jalan di shopping Kompleks tetapi selalu tersasar dan ada ketikanya sesat di tempat-tempat baru yang Siti kunjungi, Abang harus mencari Siti dari satu lot kedai ke satu lot kedai yang lain mencarimu dan membawa Siti pulang ke rumah.”

“Siti selalu sengal-sengal badan sewaktu ‘teman baik’ Siti datang setiap bulan, dan Abang harus memberikan tangan Abang untuk memicit dan mengurut kaki Siti yang sengal itu.”

“Siti lebih suka duduk di rumah, dan Abang selalu risau Siti akan menjadi ‘pelik’. Dan Abang harus membelikan sesuatu yang dapat menghiburkan Siti di rumah atau meminjamkan lidah Abang untuk menceritakan hal-hal kelakar yang Abang alami.”

“Siti selalu menatap komputer, membaca buku dan itu tidak baik untuk kesihatan mata Siti, Abang harus menjaga mata Abang agar ketika kita tua nanti, abang dapat menolong mengguntingkan kukumu dan memandikanmu. “

“Tangan Abang akan memegang tangan Siti, membimbing menelusuri pantai, menikmati matahari pagi dan pasir yang indah. Menceritakan warna-warna bunga yang bersinar dan indah seperti cantiknya wajahmu.”

“Tetapi sayangku, Abang tidak akan mengambil bunga itu untuk mati. Kerana, Abang tidak sanggup melihat air matamu mengalir menangisi kematian Abang.”

“Sayangku, Abang tahu, ada ramai orang yang boleh mencintaimu lebih daripada Abang mencintai Siti.”

“Untuk itu sayang, jika semua yang telah diberikan oleh tangan, kaki, mata Abang tidak cukup bagi Siti. Abang tidak akan menahan diri Siti mencari tangan, kaki dan mata lain yang dapat membahagiakan Siti.”

Airmata saya jatuh ke atas tulisannya dan membuatkan tintanya menjadi kabur, tetapi saya tetap berusaha untuk terus membacanya lagi.

“Dan sekarang, Siti telah selesai membaca jawapan Abang. Jika Siti puas hati dengan semua jawapan ini, dan tetap inginkan Abang tinggal di rumah ini, tolong bukakan pintu rumah kita, Abang sekarang sedang berdiri di luar sana menunggu jawapan Siti.” “Tetapi, jika Siti tidak puas hati, sayangku…biarkan Abang masuk untuk mengemaskan barang-barang Abang, dan Abang tidak akan menyulitkan hidupmu. Percayalah, bahagia Abang bila Siti bahagia.”

Saya terpegun. Segera mata memandang pintu yang terkatup rapat. Lalu saya segera berlari membukakan pintu dan melihatnya berdiri di depan pintu dengan wajah gusar sambil tangannya memegang susu dan roti kesukaan saya.

Oh! Kini saya tahu, tidak ada orang yang pernah mencintai saya lebih dari dia mencintai saya. Itulah cinta, di saat kita merasa cinta itu telah beransur-ansur hilang dari hati kita kerana kita merasa dia tidak dapat memberikan cinta dalam ‘kewujudan’ yang kita inginkan, maka cinta itu telah hadir dalam ‘kewujudan’ yang tidak pernah kita bayangkan sebelum ini. cuba kita ambil ikhtibar dari cerita ini..:)

2010-09-28T09:36:00.001-07:00

THE CREATION OF THE TEACHER
Author Unknown

The Good Lord was creating teachers. It was His sixth day of 'overtime' and He knew that this was a tremendous responsibility for teachers would touch the lives of so many impressionable young children. An angel appeared to Him and said, "You are taking a long time to figure this one out."

"Yes," said the Lord, " but have you read the specs on this order?"

TEACHER:

…must stand above all students, yet be on their level
... must be able to do 180 things not connected with the subject being taught
... must run on coffee and leftovers,
... must communicate vital knowledge to all students daily and be right most of the time
... must have more time for others than for herself/himself
... must have a smile that can endure through pay cuts, problematic children, and worried parents
... must go on teaching when parents question every move and others are not supportive
... must have 6 pair of hands.

"Six pair of hands, " said the angel, "that's impossible"
"Well, " said the Lord, " it is not the hands that are the problem. It is the three pairs of eyes that are presenting the most difficulty!"

The angel looked incredulous, " Three pairs of eyes...on a standard model?"

The Lord nodded His head, " One pair can see a student for what he is and not what others have labeled him as. Another pair of eyes is in the back of the teacher's head to see what should not be seen, but what must be known. The eyes in the front are only to look at the child as he/she 'acts out' in order to reflect, " I understand and I still believe in you", without so much as saying a word to the child."

"Lord, " said the angel, " this is a very large project and I think you should work on it tomorrow".

"I can't," said the Lord, " for I have come very close to creating something much like Myself. I have one that comes to work when he/she is sick.....teaches a class of children that do not want to learn....has a special place in his/her heart for children who are not his/her own.....understands the struggles of those who have difficulty....never takes the students for granted..."

The angel looked closely at the model the Lord was creating.
"It is too soft-hearted, " said the angel.

"Yes," said the Lord, " but also tough, You can not imagine what this teacher can endure or do, if necessary".

"Can this teacher think?" asked the angel.

"Not only think," said the Lord,. "but reason and compromise."

The angel came closer to have a better look at the model and ran his finger over the teacher's cheek.

"Well, Lord, " said the angel, your job looks fine but there is a leak. I told you that you were putting too much into this model. You can not imagine the stress that will be placed upon the teacher."

The Lord moved in closer and lifted the drop of moisture from the teacher's cheek. It shone and glistened in the light.

"It is not a leak," He said, "It is a tear."

"A tear? What is that?" asked the angel, "What is a tear for?"

The Lord replied with great thought, " It is for the joy and pride of seeing a child accomplish even the smallest task. It is for the loneliness of children who have a hard time to fit in and it is for compassion for the feelings of their parents. It comes from the pain of not being able to reach some children and the disappointment those children feel in themselves. It comes often when a teacher has been with a class for a year and must say good-bye to those students and get ready to welcome a new class."

"My, " said the angel, " The tear thing is a great idea...You are a genius!!"
The Lord looked somber, "I didn't put it there."

AKU LELAKI EGO.

2010-09-03T14:59:00.000-07:00

Dia terlalu sayangkan aku. Itu yang aku sangat pasti. Atas sebab itu aku rasa terlalu selesa kerana aku yakin dia tak kan meninggalkan aku. Dia sanggup mengetepikan kepentingan diri sebab nak menjaga hati aku. Sering aku biarkan dia memujuk dirinya sendiri bila dia merajuk. Buat apa aku nak pening-pening pujuk dia kalau dia sendiri akan kembali padaku dan meminta maaf atas keterlanjuran sikapnya sendiri. Sebarang perselisihan, dia yang akan mengalah dan dia akan menyalahkan dirinya sendiri walaupun jelas memang salahku.

Dia wanita yang rela berkorban apa sahaja kecuali satu, dia tak mahu dirinya disentuh sebelum kami memiliki ikatan yang sah . Dan atas sebab yang satu itu aku rasa dia perempuan yang membosankan. Nak pimpin tangan pun tak boleh. Apatah lagi nak peluk. Ada pun bergesel bahu itu pun sebab aku yang sengaja. Sampai satu tahap aku rasa dia sangat membosankan.

Aku cemburu tengok kawan-kawan aku boleh pegang tangan awek diorang. Tapi aku? Bila aku cakap macam tu, dia cuma senyum dan cakap pada aku, “Belum tentu perempuan yang sentuh boyfriend dia tu sayang boyfriend dia lebih dari saya sayang awak… Belum tentu perempuan tu ada masa susah senang boyfriend dia macam saya ada untuk awak…” Yang nyata, aku langsung tak setuju jawapan dia tu. Aku tengok pasangan lain bahagia, sudah tentu girlfriend kawan-kawan aku sayangkan mereka sebab girlfriend masing-masing membelai kawan-kawan aku dengan penuh kasih sayang. Tapi aku? Jangan harap. Balik-balik jawapan yang sama. Tunggu lepas kahwin. Aku bosan tahu tak! Sampai satu masa aku dah tak tahan lagi.

Aku minta kami berpisah. Aku nampak air matanya berlinang tapi sikit pun aku tak rasa kasihan. “Mungkin kita tak ada jodoh. Awak lelaki yang baik. Awak berhak dapat perempuan yang lebih baik. Saya nak awak janji dengan saya satu benda, untuk kali terakhir. Satu hari nanti bila awak jatuh cinta dan awak betul-betul sayangkan dia, hargai perempuan tu. Mudah-mudahan perempuan tu akan sayang awak, terima awak seadanya, hormati awak sebagai lelaki dan yang paling penting bahagiakan awak. Saya akan bahagia tengok awak bahagia,” tu kata-kata terakhir dia untuk aku. Dia senyum walaupun air mata berlinang. Argh! Tak habis-habis nak tunjuk mulia. Bosanlah dengan perempuan macam ni. Malas aku menghadap dia lama-lama. Cepat-cepat aku nak blah dari situ. Tiba-tiba ada bunyi hon dan sedar-sedar aku sudah tersungkur di seberang jalan. Satu dentuman yang kuat bergema dan aku lihat dia terbaring di hadapan sebuah kereta. Dia selamatkan aku! Lelaki yang dah menyakitinya! Darah membuak-buak keluar dari kepalanya. Ambulans datang dan membawa aku dan dia pergi. Di hospital keadaan kelam kabut. Dia perlu dibedah segera kerana kecederaan teruk di kepala. Ramai kawan-kawan dan keluarganya turut ada sama. Aku tengok seorang wanita yang hampir sebaya ibuku menangis. Mungkin ibu dia. Mengalirnya air mata seorang ibu kerana aku. Rasa bersalah menimpa aku. Aku dah sakiti dia tapi dia rela berkorban nyawa untuk aku. Aku berdoa semoga dia selamat. Semoga aku sempat meminta maaf. Semoga masih ada ruang dalam hati dia untuk aku. Dia sangat baik. Aku tak mahu kehilangan dia. Dia ikhlas sayangkan aku.

Selepas beberapa jam pembedahan selesai. Dia berada di dalam ICU. Dia koma, tapi doktor kata dia masih mampu mendengar. Tiba-tiba seorang kawannya menghampiri aku. Kawannya menghulurkan sesuatu. “Aku rasa benda ni dia nak bagi pada kau,” hanya itu yang gadis itu ucapkan pada aku. Kawannya terus berlalu selepas itu. Pandangan kawannya pada aku penuh benci. Tahukan kawan dia tentang kejadian sebenar? Yang nyata aku tak pernah mahu berbaik dengan kawan-kawan dia. Pernah juga dia bersuara tentang hal itu tapi aku sekadar buat tak tahu. Pulang sahaja aku buka bungkusan itu. Pasti hadiah untuk hari lahirku. Hari lahirku dua minggu lagi. Balutan kertas itu kubuka dan di dalamnya ada botol kaca berbentuk hati. Di dalam botol itu penuh dengan origami berbentuk bintang. Ada kad kecil berwarna biru kegemaranku. Aku sebak membaca bait-bait dalam kad itu. “Dalam origami bintang ni ada kata-kata saya untuk awak. Awak buka setiap hari SATU sahaja. Mungkin saya tak dapat nak hubungi awak setiap hari sebab kesibukan kerja. Tapi, bila awak baca setiap hari, anggaplah setiap hari saya berhubung dengan awak. Saya nak awak tahu setiap masa awak ada dalam hati saya. Happy Birthday sayang…” Aku buka botol kaca berbentuk hati itu dan kuambil satu bintang. Kubuka origami itu dan di dalamnya tertulis, “Love is like a poisonous mushroom. You don’t know if it is the real thing until it is too late..” Aku tersenyum sendiri. Aku buka lagi bintang yang seterusnya. Walaupun dia meletakkan syarat satu hari cuma satu.

Di dalam semua origami itu penuh kata-kata semangatnya untuk aku dan suara cintanya yang ikhlas. Demi Allah, sepanjang aku bergelar lelaki dewasa, inilah pertama kali aku menangis semahunya. Air mata aku tak berhenti mengalir sepanjang membaca kata-kata dalam origami itu sehingga habis semuanya kubaca. Aku telah menyakiti seorang wanita yang luhur. Aku melawatnya di hospital. Walaupun mukanya penuh calar, bibirnya pucat dan kepalanya berbalut, dia tetap cantik di mata aku. Dia bukanlah wanita yang memerlukan make up tebal kerana dia memiliki kecantikan asli. Atas sebab itu aku menghalangnya terlalu rapat dengan mana-mana lelaki kerana gusar jika ada yang tertarik. Dia sekadar menurut. Demi menjaga hati aku.

Aku capai tangannya yang berselirat dengan pelbagai wayar yang aku pun tak tahu. Sejuk tapi betapa lembutnya tangannya. Pertama kali aku menyentuhnya. Aku bisikkan ketelinganya, “Sayang..saya datang… Cepatlah sedar. Saya rindukan awak. Saya banyak bersalah pada awak. Saya minta maaf,” pertama kali aku minta maaf darinya. Tiba-tiba denyutan nadinya jadi tidak menentu. Aku panic. “Hei, apa yang kau dah buat pada dia? Tak cukup kau sakiti kawan aku?” jerkahan kawannya mengejutkan aku. Doktor dan beberapa jururawat bergegas masuk dan aku diminta keluar. Setiap hari aku berdoa supaya dia cepat sembuh, cepat sedar. Aku gusar sekiranya Allah mengambil nyawanya. Bukan aku tidak redha dengan ketentuan, aku sedar aku masih perlukan dia. Aku sayangkan dia. Genap dua minggu, aku mendapat berita dia sudah sedar. Aku bersyukur. Inilah hadiah hari lahir yang paling bermakna untuk aku. Dia juga sudah dipindahkan ke wad biasa. Aku mahu melawat dia. Aku rindu senyuman dia. Aku mendapat panggilan telefon yang meminta aku mengambil tempahan. Namun kerana terlalu gelojoh, aku terlanggar botol kaca bentuk hati pemberian dia. Ah, semuanya akan aku uruskan nanti. Aku biarkan serpihan kaca bertaburan di lantai. Tak sangka dia menempah kek khas untuk aku. Dia atas kek itu tertera bahagian belakang jersi pasukan bola sepak kegemaranku, Arsenal berserta namaku dan nombor kegemaranku. Aku senyum sendiri. Bahagianya aku. “Abang bertuah. Girlfriend abang cakap dia tak tahu apa-apa fasal bola. Dia cuma tahu pasukan apa yang abang minat dan nombor yang abang suka. Sebab tu dia tempah kek ni khas untuk abang dan minta abang ambil sebab dia nak buat surprise. Dia cakap dia nak makan kek ni dengan abang. Kakak tu cantik, baik pulak tu. Abang kirim salam pada akak ya? Abang jaga akak tu elok-elok,” ramah gadis yang bekerja sebagai juruwang di kedai itu memberitahuku.

Aku senyum sepanjang jalan ke hospital. Sampai di hospital aku lihat dia sedang duduk di atas katil. Tiada sesiapa bersamanya. Dia sekadar termenung. Aku senyum padanya. Dia seakan terkejut melihat aku datang. Aku terfikir juga, boleh ke orang sakit makan kek? Tapi kan dia nak makan kek ni dengan aku. “Sayang.. terima kasih kek ni. Saya happy sangat awak dah sedar. Adik cashier kedai tu kirim salam pada awak. Dia cakap awak nak makan kek ni dengan saya. Saya suapkan ya?” aku suakan sudu pada dia. Tapi sesuatu yang aku tak pernah duga, dia tepis tangan aku sampai sudu terpelanting ke lantai. Dia tak pernah kasar dengan aku. Dia selalu melayan aku dengan lembut. Aku pernah cuba pegang tangan dia pun dia tolak dengan baik. Mungkin dia terlalu terluka dengan aku. “Baliklah. Saya makin sakit tengok awak. Bawak balik kek tu sekali. Saya tak nak tengok apa-apa berkaitan awak lagi,” pantas dia menarik selimut menutup muka. Aku terkedu sendiri. Dia tak mahu pandang aku lagi. Hati dia dah tertutup untuk aku. Dia tak pernah macam ni. Selang beberapa hari, aku datang lagi tapi katil dia sudah kosong. Aku risau jika apa-apa yang buruk berlaku padanya. Dari jururawat aku tahu dia sudah dibenarkan pulang kerana keadaanya sudah stabil. Tapi yang mebuatkan jantung aku hampir gugur bila jururawat itu memberitahu dia masih menjalani rawatan susulan dan terapi kerana dia lumpuh. Dia lumpuh kerana aku! Itu semua tiga tahun yang lalu. Sejak kejadian tu aku tak pernah jumpa dia lagi. Tahu apa-apa khabar berita pun tidak kerana aku memang tak pernah nak berbaik dengan kawan-kawannya. Walaupun sudah tiga tahun tapi aku masih merinduinya. Aku tak jumpa wanita yang mampu menyayangi aku lebih dari dia.

Ah, panjangnya menung aku sampai nasi di hadapan mata sudah hampir dingin. Baru aku hendak menyuap makanan ke dalam mulut, mataku terpaku pada satu wajah yang duduk selang beberapa meja dari aku. Dia? Aku pasti tu dia. Senyum dia masih sama. Tapi keadaan tidak lagi serupa. Dia sedang makan bersama lelaki lain. Sesekali aku lihat dia mengusap perutnya. Dia mengandung. Maknanya dia sudah kahwin. Dan aku lihat lelaki yang juga makan di sebelahnya mengusap-usap tangan dia. Pasti itu suaminya. Dan aku sedar aku tak setanding suaminya sebab lelaki itu kelihatan lebih serba-serbi dari aku. Air mataku rasa ingin mengalir. Senyuman mahal milik dia yang dulu cuma untuk aku kini khas buat lelaki lain. Suaminya lelaki bertuah. Itu aku tak nafikan. Cuma suaminya yang dapat menyentuhnya. Cuma suaminya yang dapat melihat apa yang terlindung. Dan aku sangat pasti, cuma suaminya yang mendapat takhta paling agung dalam hatinya yang suci. Dia seperti botol kaca berbentuk hati yang pernah diberikan padaku dulu. Botol itu sudah pecah, namun aku sudah ganti dengan yang baru. Yang sama tapi tak serupa. Botol yang lama dipilih oleh dia dan yang baru dipilih oleh aku. Walapun aku masih menyimpan serpihan kaca botol itu, bentuknya tak lagi sama macam dulu. Dan sangat mustahil untuk kembali seperti dulu.

Pesanan buat semua lelaki, hargailah wanita yang menyayangi kamu. Jangan jadi macam aku. Matanya sangat cantik tapi aku selalu biarkan dia mengalirkan air mata dengan perbuatanku. Hidungnya yang kecil dan comel selalu aku sesakkan dengan asap rokokku walaupun aku tahu dia tak suka dan asap rokok boleh buat dia sakit kepala. Bibirnya sangat indah tapi aku selalu biarkan bibir itu tersenyum paksa kerana mangalah dengan setiap kemahuanku. Telinganya aku tak pernah nampak, terlindung, tapi telinga itu sering aku biarkan menerima segala marahku. Hatinya sangat lembut, dan aku selalu toreh dengan belati tajam dan aku biarkan dia merawat sendiri luka itu.

Akhirnya, aku hanyalah lelaki ego yang tak memiliki apa-apa kerana dia sudah dimiliki orang lain.

source: here

indecisive.

2010-08-24T07:25:00.000-07:00

the workload is killing me. when there is too much work at work, when im back at home, i dont feel like doing anything. and i end up lying in front of the tv until 11 o'clock and go to the bed early, or i will sleep as early as 9.30.

and ive been thinking much lately. im not a person who can concentrate on more than one thing at one time. i have to do things one by one, because i can only give my commitment to one thing at a time. if there's too many things that i need to focus on, to give my attention to, everything that should be done will not be done. im so messy that way. that's why during the exam week, be it mid year or even trial, i cant concentrate on my other work, distributing papers, making bills, and organizing my class.

that's why ive been thinking of quitting my masters and apply for a taught course masters in utm. which is nearer to me, and does not consume as much time as doing the research. i do want to get my masters and phd, but i think, after working, my priority had change so much. i used to concentrate in my creative work well after sleeping hours, because that's when my idea flows like a non-stop flowing river, but now i cant stay up longer than i used to, because i have to go to work before 7.15 the next day. i cant. ive tried so hard, but i cant. i know what im capable of and what im not, so i think this is the best decision i can make.

but i dont know how to talk and discuss this with my supervisor. he who had and still has been so kind to me through everything. i dont have the heart to tell this to him. but i cant continue to be like this. i'll upset him no matter what i choose to do, so i think its better for me to quit as soon as i can.

i dont even know what to do.

im so blank.

indecisive.

help me.

pening lagi.

2010-07-25T07:33:00.000-07:00

mak andam+pelamin at my place: rm2300
mak andam+pelamin at his place: rm1700
kad jemputan (my place and his place): rm1688
photographer: rm2400

total (excluding all other details): rm8088

huhu. tu tak termasuk jamuan, hantaran, mas kahwin, doorgifts, ape2 bende kecik2 lagi. pening weh pening!

kesimpulan: nak kawen? kumpul duit dpd sem 1 kat uni.

random: nak tau kenape kad jemputan smpi rm1700? sbb my dad nak 1000 keping. SERIBU KEPING. his dad nak 750 keping. so total 1750 keping. kalo sekeping rm0.90? darab la sendiri. so kalo u all nak makan free sile la dtg my house yek. meh2 tinggal address kat komen kalo nak kad jemputan.

2010-07-08T04:06:00.000-07:00

Disaat kamu ingin melepaskan seseorang
ingatlah pada saat kamu ingin mendapatkannya

Disaat kamu mulai tidak mencintainya
ingatlah saat pertama kamu jatuh cinta padanya

Disaat kamu mulai bosan dengannya
ingatlah selalu saat terindah bersamanya

Disaat kamu ingin menduakannya
bayangkan jika dia selalu setia

Saat kamu ingin membohonginya
ingatlah disaat dia jujur padamu

Maka kamu akan merasakan arti dia untukmu
Jangan sampai disaat dia sudah tidak disisimu,
Kamu baru menyadari semua arti dirinya untukmu

Yang indah hanya sementara
Yang abadi adalah kenangan
Yang ikhlas hanya dari hati
Yang tulus hanya dari sanubari

Tidak mudah mencari yang hilang
Tidak mudah mengejar impian

Namun yg lebih susah mempertahankan yg ada
Karena walaupun tergenggam bisa terlepas juga
Ingatlah pada pepatah, "Jika kamu tidak memiliki apa yang kamu sukai, maka sukailah apa yang kamu miliki saat ini"

Belajar menerima apa adanya dan berpikir positif
Hidup bagaikan mimpi, seindah apapun,
begitu bangun semuanya sirna tak berbekas
Rumah mewah bagai istana, harta benda yang tak terhitung, kedudukan, dan jabatan yg luar biasa, namun..

Ketika nafas terakhir tiba, sebatang jarum pun tak bisa dibawa pergi
Sehelai benang pun tak bisa dimiliki
Apalagi yang mau diperebutkan
Apalagi yang mau disombongkan

Maka jalanilah hidup ini dengan keinsafan nurani
Jangan terlalu perhitungan
Jangan hanya mau menang sendiri
Jangan suka sakiti sesama apalagi terhadap mereka yang berjasa bagi kita
Belajarlah tiada hari tanpa kasih
Selalu berlapang dada dan mengalah
Hidup ceria, bebas leluasa

Tak ada yang tak bisa di ikhlaskan
Tak ada sakit hati yang tak bisa dimaafkan
Tak ada dendam yang tak bisa terhapus.

Taken from here

circles of my life.

2010-07-07T05:21:00.000-07:00

CIRCLE ONE:THE OUTSIDE
1. What's your name: Yuhaniz Anuar
2. How tall are you: 157 cm, i think.
3. What color are your eyes: Kinda brown. Or black. I dont know.
4. What color is your hair: Black
5. Are you Male or Female: Female
6. What is your best feature (physically): I would say..none.
7. What's your shoe size: Sometimes it's 7, sometimes it's 8 (ok shut up now i know its huge)
8. Glasses, yes or no: Yes
9. Did you ever have braces: Never. My mom said its ok to wear braces, if and only if your teeth situation is either making you sick, or so embarrassed you cannot go anywhere without covering your mouth with something. Its like mengubah kejadian Tuhan, she said. And she works as the person you will go to if you want to repair your teeth, so its kinda saying something.
10. On a typical day you are wearing: Tshirt and jeans.
11. When you go to bed you're wearing: Pyjamas.
12. Work out/exercise about how often: Not often. haha.

CIRCLE TWO: MUSIC
1. Name five of your favorite bands: Paramore (Hayley Williams rawks!), Muse, MCR (oh they're like super cool), and..... that's all, i think.
2. Name five of your favorite singers: Hayley Williams, Mariah Carey, Kelly Clarkson, Shakira, Rihanna, and the list goes on.
3. Name three songs you are currently playing non-stop: The Only Exception-Paramore, Solo-Iyaz, Hati Yang Kau Sakiti-Rossa
4. Name one song (give lyrics) that best describes your life right now: Airplanes - B.O.B
6. When you're driving, what are the preset stations on your radio: Fly.Fm. If there is no signal, I play my cds.
7. What's the last CD you bought: I never bought any. I download and burn them myself.
8. Name one song/band/singer you're embarrassed to like but do: Justin Bieber. He's a baby, but all his songs are pretty cool. huhu.
9. If you could only attend one concert ever again, it would be: I hate concerts. I cant stand to be in crowded places, they make my head spins like mad. So I will not be attending any.
10. Name one band/singer you absolutely can't stand: Oh there's a long list of that, you know.

CIRCLE THREE: MOVIES/TELEVISION
1. Name your favorite actor: George Clooney. Seriously.
2. Name your favorite actress: Jessica Alba. She is smoking hot!
3. Name your favorite television show right now: Grey's Anatomy, obviously.
4. Name five really cool movies you've recently seen: I think i watched really crappy movies these days, because i cant remember any except IpMan.
5. Your favorite cancelled television show: None.
6. Name one movie you wish you hadn't wasted time/money on recently: Lagenda Budak Setan.
7. You would never watch a movie with: Anyone from the opposite gender except for him and my little brother.
8. Favorite candy/food to watch movies with: I dont like popcorn. It makes me thirsty. Plus munching sounds annoy me a lot.
9. Three favorite tv channels: 8TV, StarWorld, National Geographic, AXN, and many many more.
10. Favorite reality show: America's Next Top Model, So You Think You Can Dance
11. Favorite character on a reality show: Miss J in America's Next Top Model and Cat Deeley from So You Think You Can Dance.

CIRCLE FOUR: WORD ASSOCIATION(Write the first word/thing/person that comes into your head when you read this word:)
1. Coffee: Iced Caramel Latte from Dunkin Donut.
2. Dog: UUUGGGGHHHH!
3. Slut: err..no one.
4. Candy: Ferrero Rocher.
5. Pole: Golf?
6. Ocean: Blue.
7. Brave: Null.
8. Loving: Khairul Fadzli.
9. Cookie: No Nut Cookies by Famous Amos.
10. Death: is coming.
11. Life: is good, I guess.
12. Child: UUUGGGGHHH! and you will say the same if you are a teacher.

CIRCLE FIVE: WHICH WOULD YOU PREFER:(italic/bold the one you prefer)
1. Ten guilty men go free OR One innocent man goes to jail for life
2. Eaten by a lion OR Eaten by thousands of small insects - NEITHER.
3. A life without love OR A life with love and heartache - A life with him. If it comes with heartaches, then be it.
4. Skydiving from a plane OR Bungee jumping off a bridge - Something safer, please?
5. No television OR No music - No laptop with internet connection. The rest i can live without.
6. No more pizza, ever OR No more chocolate
7. A trip to Europe OR A trip to Hawaii -A trip to all around the world. FOC!
8. An hour with your future soul mate OR An hour with a lost loved one so i can tell them how deeply sorry i am for hurting their hearts.
9. No longer being able to cry OR No longer being able to feel the need to cry - I am a cry baby. Deal with it.

10. Sex without love OR Love without sex - SEX WITH LOVE
11. Loving someone who doesn't love you OR Being loved by someone you don't love - Both are going to hurt like hell, so it doesnt matter which one i choose.

CIRCLE SIX: THE LOVE LIFE
1. Are you currently in a relationship: Yep.
2. Are you currently looking/interested in someone: Yes of course.
5. How many times have you been "in love": Like really in love: once. But there are a few times when i thought i was in love.
6. Looking back, how do you feel about that person(s) now: Ive learnt a lot from them. About when to say no, about not giving what shouldnt be given, about speaking up your heart and mind, well, like I said, a lot. So i would like to thank them for all of those lessons. And i dont hate them. I dont do hate. Hate is not my thing. I just dont care for them anymore.
7. Name three things (physically) you look for in someone: Its a long list you know. But in the end, when you are in love, like really in love with that someone, you will just accept him the way he is, all those requirements wont matter anymore.
8. Name three things (mentally/emotionally) you look for in someone: Ive answered that.
9. Biggest turn offs include: Shouting at me. I dont care if I was wrong or I was right, I just cant stand people raising up their voices to me. If I was wrong, tell me nicely. Im a good listener, you know.
10. Your ideal date would be: Him.
11. You want to get married, where, when, how: Of course I do want to get married, sometime in november, in my own house, by my own dad.
12. Does anyone have feelings for you right now that you don't return: Yes. At least I hope he does.

CIRCLE SEVEN: THE FRIENDS(of your friends, who would you say is:)
1. The one you immediately go to with a problem: Nurain Abdul Rahman.
2. The most rational: Khairul Fadzli.
3. The funniest: Khairul Fadzli.
4. The one you spend the most time on the phone with: Khairul Fadzli.
5. The craziest (but in a good way): Nur Ili Syazwani Mohd Yazid.
6. The most honest: Nurain Abdul Rahman.
7. The purest: Wan Norhayati W Mohd Sobri.
8. The smartest: Nurul Hanna Ismail and Farini Salim.
9. The most athletic: Nurul Hanna Ismail. At least she used to be. I dont know about now.
10. The most compassionate: Nur Nadiah Zainal Abidin.
11. The one most likely to get thrown in jail and why: Nur Ili Syazwani Mohd Yazid and Nur Nazra Zakaria. Kerana mereka sangat gila.
12. The last one that said "I love you": Khairul Fadzli.

.

2010-07-06T07:06:00.001-07:00

after all these years we have been together, you still give me butterflies in my tummy. i am still nervous when you are around. you still make my heart beats a little bit faster. and my love for you grows even stronger. i love you, and in the end, it is all that matters.

happy anniversary, sayang.

my weekend.

2010-07-05T07:12:00.000-07:00

hi guys.

on monday yati came out with a suggestion of going to kota tinggi to buy some baju kurung. i at first kinda hesitated to agree, because i thought the kem kepimpinan was going to be held last week. then when i found out that that camp will be held this week instead, i gave her a yes and off we, by we i mean me, liza, kak na (yati's sister) and yati, went to kota tinggi. bertolak dpd umah around 8am, because we were waiting for kak na to arrive.

sampai kota dlm pkul 9 lebih kot, tgk banyak gile weh baju kurung!!! but various shops offer you various range of prices la kan, so we went to shop after shop surveying for cheaper prices and prettier clothes, and we ended up shopping at the first shop we went when we first arrived. funny how that happened, right? i usually surveyed shop after shop to buy shoes, especially, and i always ended up in the first shop i entered. khairul said its a waste of time (sbb die yang selalu jadi mangsa round 1 midvalley or jusco tebrau nak cari my shoes kan ahahaha), why dont i just buy the shoes that i like the first time i saw them, right? but i think he should speak for himself. sbb die lagi cerewet kalo nak beli brg, abes satu shopping complex nak tawaf, bile i dah gave up buat muka paling penat dlm dunia and die pon tak sampai hati tgk muka i penat (hihi this is one of many2 reasons why i love him, he cant bear to see my sulking, tired face. he's kinda sweet that way)baru la die stop and go straight to that particular shop. hihi. girl power weh!

anyway we went round and round the small town, and we ended up buying some 2 pairs of baju kurung for each of us, and everyone except me bought that baju na o mei (the dress is beautiful, but im not the type of person who wears skirt, or skirt-like-cloth, except for baju kurung, just so u know). im pretty satisfied with the outcomes, tapi walaupun ade banyak gile kot pilihan, i still find it difficult to find the ones that i like. huhu. takpelah next time buleh pegi lagi, its not that far from home, about 40km from pasir gudang.

and on sunday, i went to melaka to visit his new workplace. oh did i tell u that he quits his job at putrajaya already? he got this offer from utem to be a tutor at faculty of manufacturing eng, and because he loves engineering so much (but he dont want to be an engineer, plus he hates that ptd job spec), he accepts the offer and moved to melaka. so melaka will be my second state after johor la after this, looks like im going to stay there for the rest of my life. hihi. anyway melaka is one interesting state, and yeah, i think im going to like it there. hihi.

and my favourite pic of the day.

that's all, i think. going to melaka again this sunday, insya Allah, im pretty excited when he is closer to me, distance wise. and will be going to singapore for a social visit organized by my school, on 17th july. cant wait to jalan2 with all my colleagues!

adios!

2010-06-23T05:18:00.000-07:00

i love u.

*blushblush*

mess.

2010-06-21T09:19:00.000-07:00

im a mess. i screwed up. but quitting is out of the question. i am already in way too deep to turn back and undo everything. and alone. im in this alone. God please, i need strength.

pic taken from here

kenape saya (tak)suka jadi anak sulung.

2010-06-16T01:15:00.000-07:00

1. dulu mase kecik2, selalu kene suruh jaga adik2. cebuk lah, buat susu lah. paling annoying bile kena buai adik sampai tido. lagi2 buai si kumai. die dah la kene tengok muke orang kalo nak tido. kalo takde orang or buaian stop mesti die terjaga. bengang jek.

2. kene kemas rumah. jemur baju. lipat baju. jaga adik. basuh pinggan. kemas dapur.

3. kalo balik kampung tak bleh main dgn sepupu sebab kene jaga adik sbb mak sibuk masak kat dapur.

4. kalo adik2 gaduh mesti kita yang kene marah dulu.

5. result peksa mesti perfect. PERFECT. kalo tak dapat keputusan bagus mesti kene lecture dengan ayah.

kenapa saya suka jadi anak sulung?

1. semua mesti firsthand. baju. mainan. mukadam. quran. buku teks. adik2 dpt hand-me-downs.

2. kereta pun dpt firsthand.

3. laptop dapat yang paling canggih.

4. selalu kena teman mak pg shopping maka pasti akan mendapat habuan.

5. sbb jadi anak first yang nak kawen so bila nak tunang je pun mak renovate rumah sampai rm30k. huahuahua.

6. ada kuasa veto untuk suruh semua orang dlm rumah buat keje, terutama a'ad dengan icah. hahaha. best.

kesimpulannya: jadi anak sulung memang best.

Diari Seorang Isteri.

2010-06-10T19:10:00.000-07:00

Aduh...sakitnyer. ..isk.... . aduuh....Bang sakit nye tak tahan saya" keluh Nisa pada suaminya Zakri.

"Apelah awak nie....lama sangat nak bersalin dah berjam-jam dah tak keluar-keluar juga. Penat dah saya tunggu. Nih mesti ader benda yang tak elok awak buat , itu lah sebab lambat keluar budak tu banyak dosa la tu" rungut Zakri pd Nisa.

Nisa hanya diam dan menahan sakit nak beranak, hampir 1 jam Nisa dalam bilik bersalin tapi baby tak keluar juga. Sebak hati Nisa bila Zakri berkata begitu. Sejak mengandung ada sahaja yang tidak kena dihati Zakri terhadapnya. Seakan-akan membenci Nisa dan anak yang dikandungnya. Jururawat datang memeriksa dan kemudian bergegas memanggil Doktor Johari. Doktor Johari (Doktor Peribadi) datang dan bergegas menyediakan keperluan menyambut kelahiran. Nisa hanya mendiamkan diri menahan sakit dan air mata meleleh panas dipipi bukan disebabkan takut atau sakit tapi rungutan Zakri tadi. Doktor Johari menyuruh Nisa meneran ...."Come on Nisa u can do it...once more...." Kata ransang Doktor Johari itu membuatkan Nisa bertenaga dan sekali teran sahaja kepala baby sudah keluar..."Good mummy" kata Doktor Johari selepas menyambut baby yang keluar itu.

Tiba-tiba Nisa terasa sakit lagi dan Nisa meneran untuk kali kedua dan keluar seorang lagi baby, kembar rupanya. "Nisa u got twin, boy and girl, putih macam mummy dia" kata Doktor Johari memuji Nisa. "Tahniah Zakri,it's a twin" Doktor Johari mengucapkan tahniah kepada Zakri. Zakri hanya mendiamkan diri setelah menyaksikan kelahiran anak pertamanya, kembar pulak. Memang Doktor Johari itu menyuruhnya melihat bagaimana keadaan kelahiran anaknya. Baby boy dan girl Nisa namakan Mohammad Danial dan Nur Dania.Nisa berasa lega... tapi Nisa masih lagi teringat kata-kata Zakri padanya sebentar tadi. Terlalu banyak kata-kata yang membuat Nisa selalu kecil hati . Tapi Nisa tahankan sahaja. Nisa tahu kalau Nisa mengadu pada emak, Nisa akan dimarahi semula. Jadi Nisa hanya diam dan memendam rasa. Danial dan Dania diletakkan di nursery di Hospital itu sementara menanti Nisa berehat kemudian dapatlah Nisa menyusukan Danial dan Dania. Comel sungguh kembar Nisa. Nisa termenung dan otak fikirannya menerbang kembali detik-detik semasa Nisa mengandungkan kandungannya, Zakri selalu memarahi Nisa, ada sahaja yang tidak kena. Kata Nisa yang bukan-bukan, gila, ada sahaja tuduhan yang tidak masuk akal semuanya dihamburkan pada Nisa. Tak sanggup Nisa hadapi semua itu tapi demi kandungannya, Nisa kuatkan semangat dan pendirian Nisa.

Ingat lagi waktu Nisa mula mengandung Zakri tak percaya Nisa mengandung anak dia, dua kali dia membuat pemeriksaan Antenatal samada Nisa mengandung.Zakri ragu anak dalam kandungan Nisa. Dia tak boleh terima baru tiga bulan kahwin dah mengandung.. .Nisa dah 2 bulan...Nisa cuma kosong selama sebulan selepas berkahwin. Nisa tak tau nak cakap apa.

Nisa balik rumah dalam kesedihan. Pada mulanya Nisa gembira bila mengandung tapi sebaliknya pula yg terjadi. Perasaan hati Nisa bangga Nisa dapat memberi zuriat kepada Zakri. Tapi apa yang Nisa dapat hanyalah tuduhan yang tak pernah terlintas di otak jemala Nisa. "Kenapa abang berlainan sekarang ni, tak macam dulu pelembut, suka berjenaka, ni tak asyik nak cari salah Nisa sahaja. Nape Bang?"soal Nisa pada Zakri . "Kaulah penyebabnya. Tak yah nak tunjuk baik plak" Zakri menempelak Nisa "Jantan mana yang kau layan kat opis kau tu" sergah Zakri lagi. "Abg syak Nisa ngan lelaki lain ke? Kenapa Abg syak yg bukan-bukan, Nisakan isteri Abang yang sah tak kanNisa nak buat jahat ngan orang lain pulak Bang"? terang Nisa pada Zakri. "ALLAH dah bagi kita rezeki awal,tak baik cakap cam tu. Itu semua kehendak ALLAH" Nisa senyum dan menghampiri sambil memeluk badan suaminya tetapi Zakri meleraikan pelukan Nisa dengan kasar sehingga Nisa hampir tersungkur. Nisa menangis dan sedih. Zakri buat tak tahu sahaja. Deraian airmata Nisa semakin laju. Nisa hanya mampu menangis. Terasa dada .Nisa sakit menahan semua tohmahan dari Zakri, suaminya yang sah. "Woi, benda-benda tu bole terjadilah Nisa, kawan baik ngan bini sendiri, suami sendiri, bapak ngan anak, hah emak ngan menantu pun bole jadi tau apatah lagi macam kau nie, tau tak. Tu dulu kawan kau lama tu yang satu opis ngan kau tu, Farid, bukan main baik lagi budak tu" marah Zakri. "Entah-entah keturunan kau, darah daging kau pun tak senonoh.... heee teruk. Nasib aku la dapat bini cam engkau ni"kutuk Zakri lagi pada Nisa. "Bawa mengucap Bang, jangan tuduh saya yang bukan-bukan saya bukan perempuan tak tentu arah walaupun saya menumpang keluarga ni , saya bukan jenis macam tu saya tau akan halal haram, hukum hakam agama. "Walaupun saya tak tau asal usul keluarga kandung saya, saya bersyukur dan berterima kasih pada emak kerana jaga saya dari kecil dah macam darah daging saya sendiri" kata Nisa pada Zakri. "Tapi Abang tak boleh hina keluarga kandung saya walaupun saya tak pernah tengok muka ayah dan mak kandung saya. Mereka lahirkan saya kedunia,"ucap Nisa sambil menangis.

Semenjak kejadian itu Nisa terpaksa mengikut Zakri ke tempat kerjanya apabila habis waktu kerja. Nisa berehat di Surau tempat Zakri bekerja. Zakri bekerja di salah sebuah Pusat membeli belah dan kerjanya mengikut shif.Kalau Zakri shif malam terpaksalah Nisa menunggu Zakri sehingga pukul 10.30 malam - 11.30 malam sehingga habis Pusat membeli belah itu tamat waktu perniagaannya. Nisa terpaksa berbohong pada emak dan keluarga lain dengan mengatakan Nisa buat overtime di pejabat. Nisa terpaksa berbuat demikian kerana tidak mahu dikata-kata dan dituduh lagi. Dengan keadaan perut semakin membesar Nisa gagahkan juga. Tetapi kadangkala Zakri tidak menjemput Nisa di tempat kerja terpaksalah Nisa menaiki bas. Begitulah Nisa sehinggalah Nisa hampir pada waktu bersalin Nisa. Kalau diminta jemput...macam- macam kata kesat dilemparkan pada Nisa, perempuan tak tau berdikarilah, berlagak senang lah, lagak kaya lah. Pernah suatu hari Nisa naik marah kerana Zakri jemput Nisa lambat sampai sakit pinggang Nisa menunggunya. Nisa menangis. Zakri tiba-tiba naik angin dan cakap perangai Nisa macam firaun la, perempuan tak sedar dirilah, tak layak jadi isterilah, menyusahkan macam-macam kata nista dilemparkan pada Nisa.

Nisa tambah sedih mengenangkan diri Nisa, ngadu kat emak takut dimarahi pula...bila Nisa balik ke rumah, mereka berdua akan berlakun yang mereka tidak bergaduh...Nisa sedaya upaya tidak mahu menunjukkan yang masalah melanda perkahwinannya. Kasihan Nisa...dalam keadaan yang begitu Nisa masih mampu bertahan, masih kuat lagi emosinya. Satu hari Zakri dalam keadaan marah telah menarik rambut Nisa dan menghantukkan kepala Nisa ke dinding...Nisa hanya mampu menangis dan menanggung kesakitan gara-gara Nisa nak pergi ke rumah Mak Usu Nisa yang ingin mengahwinkan anaknya di Tanjung Karang. Emak Nisa dah seminggu pergi ke sana untuk menolong. Hari dah mula petang jadi Nisa mendesak agar bertolak cepat kerana kalau hari malam nanti bahaya , "Kita nak jalan jauh ni Bang. Biarlah kita pergi awal sikit bolehlah tolong apa yang patut. Masa nilah kita nak membalas pertolongan mereka, ingat tak masa kita kahwin mereka bekerja keras kan "kata Nisa pada Zakri. Zakri ketika itu sedang berehat menonton. "Bang dengar tak ni, lagi pun hari dah mula gelap,takut plak hujan nanti"desak Nisa lagi. Tiba-tiba Zakri bangun dan mukanya bengis memandang Nisa "Kau tahu aku penatkan, tak boleh tunggu ker,suka hati aku lah nak pegi malam ke siang ke tak pegi langsung ker"marah Zakri. "Itu Nisa tau, Abang dah berehat dari pagi tadi Bang masih penat lagi, Nisa cuma nak ingatkan Abang aja"Nisa memberitahu Zakri. Zakri datang pada Nisa dan direntapnya rambut Nisa dan di hantukkannya kepala Nisa kedinding.

Nisa tak dapat buat apa. YA ALLAH sanggup Zakri berbuat demikian...terasa kebas kepala Nisa dan mula membengkak. Pening kepala Nisa dibuatnya. "YA ALLAH kau kuatkan iman aku YA ALLAH, lindungilah aku dan kandungan aku dari bahaya YA ALLAH" doa Nisa dalam hatinya. Nisa memencilkan diri Nisa disudut dinding dan menangis.Zakri kemudian duduk diam. Nisa rasa kepala Nisa macam nak pecah. Kebas masih lagi dan embengkak.. .berdenyut2. .."Bang, Nisa minta maaf jika Nisa membuat Abang marah" Nisa memohon maaf pada Zakri sambil teresak-esak.

Treet,Treet, Treet, Treet....bunyi handphone Zakri. "Sapa plak nie sebok je....."Rungut Zakri yang tengah sibuk berborak dengan kawan-kawan di salah sebuah caf?. "Hoi, Encik Zakri, bini ko kat wad tak gi jengok ke, apa punya laki ko nie? sindir Azlan, kawan pejabat Zakri. "Alah, dia sihat je kat wad tu, makan tanggung berak cangkung, ha,ha,ha"gelak Zakri dan kawan-kawan lain. Azlan cuma berdiam diri. "Senangnya hidup Zakri nie tak ader risau langsung pasal bini dia"cetus hati Azlan. "Akulah kalau bini aku masuk wad bersalin aku sentiasa dok sebelah dia tau...mereka perlukan kita masa tu...nyawa mereka dihujung tanduk semata-mata nak melahirkan zuriat yang dari darah daging engkau tau, cuba fikir sikit" Azlan mengingatkan Zakri. "Iyelah, Lan, lagipun Nisa dah bersalin, selamat dah, sekarang tengah berehat laaa, apa aku nak risau lagi" jawab Zakri selamba. "Suka hati kau lah, tapi kalau ader apa-apa nanti kau jangan menyesal Zakri, sesal tak sudah nanti" kata Azlan lagi. Treet, Treet, Treet....bunyi handphone Zakri. "Hello Zakri speaking" jawab Zakri. "Hello Zakri, Doktor Johari sini, ade masalahlah Zakri, pasal Nisa, datang segera ke hospital ye Zakri, Nisa tidak sedarkan diri........ ."panggilan kecemasan dari Doktor Johari "Iye ke, teruk ke dia Johari , okay I atang"...tuttttttt . Zakri menamatkan perbualannya dengan Doktor Johari. "Lan. Kau kut aku, Nisa tak sedar diri ..."ajak Zakri pada Lan. "Hah, tadi kau kata bini kau sihat"tanya Lan pada Zakri. "Alah jom ler cepat" desak Zakri.

"Zakri, kami tak dapat selamatkan Nisa, Nisa mengalami pendarahan otak yang serius, sebelum nie pernah tak Nisa jatuh atau...terhantuk kuat cause sebelah kanan kepalanya kelihatan bengkak dan ada tanda lebam. Mungkin kesan dah lama? tanya Doktor Johari dengan serius dan ingin penjelasan Zakri. Zakri hanya mendiamkan diri. Automatik otak Zakri teringat yang dia pernah menarik rambut Nisa dan menghantukkan kepala Nisa kedinding sekuatnya... dan selepas kejadian itu Zakri tidak pernah pun membawa Nisa ke Klinik untuk membuat pemeriksaan kepalanya dan semenjak kejadian itu Nisa sering sakit kepala yang teruk ...tapi Zakri tidak pernah mengendahkan kesakitan Nisa....baginya Nisa mengada-ngada ..saja buat sakit untuk minta simpati...tetapi sebaliknya.. ...Zakri hanya diam...."YA ALLAH apa aku dah buat" rasa bersalah membuat dirinya rasa menggigil... "Doktor Zainal yang merawat Nisa kerana Nisa mengadu sakit kepala sewaktu Nisa memberi susu pada kembarnya di Nursery, sakit yang amat sangat katanya so Doktor Zainal membawa Nisa ke Lab untuk membuat scanning di kepalanya dan confirm otaknya ada darah beku tapi malangnya ia sudah ditahap yang kritikal, kami tak mampu lakukan apa-apa kerana Nisa tidak mahu di operation sebelum meminta izin dari kau Zakri, Nisa telah pergi dulu dengan tenang.Permintaan terakhir Nisa, Nisa minta kau membaca diarinya. I'm really sorry Zakri. ALLAH berkuasa Zakri kita tak dapat menghalangnya" kata Doktor Johari lalu memberikan Zakri sebuah diari yang berbalut kemas dengan kain lampin baby yang masih baru.

Zakri mengambil diari itu dan membuka setiap lembaran diari Nisa, setiap lembaran tertulis rapi tulisan Nisa dan peristiwa yang berlaku pada Nisa pada setiap hari , Zakri membacanya sepintas dan nyata keluhan,kesakitan segala luahan rasa Nisa semuanya tertera di iarinya. Dan Zakri dapati setiap peristiwa itu semuanya perlakuan buruk Zakri terhadap Nisa..."YA ALLAH kenapa aku buat Nisa begini" terdetik hati Zakri selepas membaca tiap lembaran diari Nisa. Dan terpandang oleh Zakri mukasurat akhir lembaran diari yang ditanda dengan bunga ros merah yang telah kering....membuat Zakri tertarik untuk membacanya.. . Untuk suami Nisa yang tersayang, I LOVE U Bang... "SELAMAT HARI ULANG TAHUN PERKAHWINAN YANG PERTAMA"

Assalamualaikum.

Abang,

Ingat tak bunga Ros merah ni, Abang berikan pada Nisa sewaktu mula mengenali Abang. Lama Nisa simpan bunga tu Bang...Bunga inilah lambang bermulanya perkenalan Nisa dengan Abang. Nisa benar-benar menyayangi Abang. Nisa menyimpan setiap hadiah yang abang bagi pada Nisa. Abang tak pernah tahu kan ... Itulah salah satu buktinya betapa sayangnya Nisa.. Terlebih dahulu Nisa ingin sangat dengar Abang panggil Nisa AYANG seperti kita baru kahwin...Abang panggil Nisa AYANG...terasa diri dimanja bila Abang panggil Nisa cam tu...walaupun Nisa dapat merasa panggilan AYANG itu seketika sahaja. Abang dah banyak berubah. Perkataan AYANG telah hilang dan tidak kedengaran untuk Nisa lagi. Kenapa? Bencikah Abang pada Nisa? Abang...mukasurat nie khas utk Abang. Bacalah semoga Abang tahu sayangnya Nisa pada Abang. Abang ingatkan hari nie hari ulangtahun perkahwinan kita yang pertama dan Nisa hadiahkan Abang....... Danial dan Dania. Untuk Nisa tak perlulah Abang bagi kerana tak ada apa yang Nisa inginkan melainkan kasih sayang Abang pada Nisa. Nisa akan pergi mencari ketenangan dan kedamaian untuk diri Nisa. Nisa pergi untuk menemui NYA.

Nisa harap Abang akan menjaga Danial dan Dania dengan baik dan jangan sekali-kali sakiti mereka. Danial dan Dania tak tahu apa-apa. Itulah hadiah paling berharga dari diri Nisa dan mereka adalah darah daging Abang. Jangan seksa mereka. Abang boleh seksa Nisa tapi bukan mereka. Sayangilah mereka...Nisa ingin mengatakan bahawa Nisa tak ada hubungan dengan sesiapa melainkan Abang sahaja di hati Nisa. Jiwa dan raga Nisa hanya untuk Abang seorang. Terima kasih kerana Abang sudi mengahwini Nisa walaupun Nisa in cuma menumpang kasih disebuah keluarga yang menjaga Nisa dari kecil hinggalah Nisa bertemu dengan Abang dan berkahwin. Nisa harap Abang tidak akan mensia-siakan kembar kita dan Nisa tidak mahu mereka mengikut jejak kehidupan Nisa yang malangkerana menumpang kasih dari keluarga yang bukan dari darah daging nisa....tapi Nisa bersyukur kerana dapat mengecapi kasih sayang sepenuhnya dari keluarga ini. Nisa harap sangat Abang akan sentiasa memberitahu pada kembar kita yang Nisa ibunya akan sentiasa bersama disamping kembar kita, walau pun Nisa tak dapat membelai dan hanya seketika sahaja dapat mengenyangkan kembar kita dengan air susu Nisa. Berjanji pada Nisa dan ingat DANIAL dan DANIA adalah darah daging abang...Ampunkan Nisa dan halalkan segala makan minum Nisa selama setahun kita bersama. Sekiranya Abang tidak sudi menerima Danial dan Dania berilah pada emak Nisa supaya emak menjaga kembar kita dan segala perbelanjaan Nisa dah buat nama emak untuk KWSP Nisa. Biarlah emak menjaga kembar kita sekurang-kurang terubat juga rindu emak sekeluarga pada Nisa nanti bila memandang kembar kita. Comel anak kita bang..Dania mengikut raut muka Abang...sejuk kata orang dan Nisa yakin mesti Danial akan mengikut iras raut wajah Nisa...Ibunya. ..sejuk perut Nisa mengandungkan mereka. Inilah peninggalan Nisa untuk Abang. Semoga Abang masih sudi menyayangi dan mengingati walaupun Nisa sudah tiada disisi Abang dan kembar kita.

Wassalam.
Salam terakhir dari Nisa Untuk Abang dan semua.
Doakan Nisa.

Ikhlas dari

Nur Nisa

Sabarlah Zakri, ALLAH maha berkuasa. Kuatkan semangat kau, kau masih ada Danial dan Dania" pujuk Azlan. Zakri hanya tunduk membisu. YA ALLAH,Nisa maafkan Abg Nisa. Zakri longlai dan diari ditangannya terlepas, sekeping gambar dihari pernikahan antara Zakri dan Nisa jatuh dikakinya dan Zakri mengambilnya. Belakang gambar itu tertulis "HARI YANG PALING GEMBIRA DAN BAHAGIA BUAT NISA DAN SEKELUARGA. NISA DISAMPING SUAMI TERCINTA SELEPAS DIIJABKABULKAN. SEMOGA KEGEMBIRAAN DAN KEBAHAGIAAN AKAN MENYELUBUNGI DIRI NISA DAN KELUARGA NISA HINGGA KEAKHIR HAYAT NISA.

Zakri terjelepuk dilantai dan berjuta penyesalan merangkumi seluruh tubuhnya. Zakri seakan orang hilang akal. Satu demi satu setiap perlakuannya terhadap isterinya Nisa seperti terakam dalam kotak otaknya...setiap perbuatannya. ..seperti wayang jelas terpampang.. . kenapalah sampai begini jadinya...kejamnya aku...Nisa, Nisa, Nisa maafkan Abang Nisa. Sewakt jenazah Nisa tiba dirumah suasana amat memilukan. Zakri tidak terdaya untuk melihat keluarga Nisa yang begitu sedih atas pemergian Nisa. Namun emak Nisa begitu tabah dan redha. Danial dan Dania sentiasa di dalam pangkuan neneknya.Saat akhir untuk melihat Jenazah Nisa, Zakri lihat muka Nisa tenang bersih dan Zakri kucup dahi Nisa buat kali terakhir seakan-akan lirik mata Nisa mengikuti wajah Zakri. "Nisa Abang minta ampun dan maaf" bisik Zakri perlahan pada telinga Nisa sambil menangis dengan berjuta penyesalan menimpa-nimpa dirinya. Apabila Zakri meletakkan kembar disisi ibunya mereka diam dari tangisan dan tangan dari bedungan terkeluar seolah-olah mengusapi pipi ibu mereka buat kali terakhir dan terlihat oleh Zakri ada titisan airmata bergenang di tepi mata Nisa. Meleleh perlahan-lahan bila kembar itu diangkat oleh Zakri. Kembar menangis semula setelah diangkat oleh Zakri dan diberikan kepada neneknya.

Jenazah Nisa dibawa ke pusara dan ramai yang mengiringinya termasuklah kembar bersama. Walaupun kembar tidak tahu apa-apa tapi biarlah kembar mengiringi pemergian Nisa, Ibu mereka yang melahirkan mereka. Amat sedih ketika itu.. Zakri tidak mampu berkata apa-apa melainkan menangisi pemergian Nisa yang selama ini merana atas perbuatannya. Dan akhirnya Jenazah Nisa selamat dikebumikan. Satu persatu orang ramai meninggalkan kawasan pusara dan akhirnya tinggallah Zakri keseorangan di pusara Nisa yang merah tanahnya...meratapi pilu, berderai airmata dengan jutaan penyesalan ...YA ALLAH , kuatkan hambamu ini YA ALLAH. Hanya KAU sahaja yang mengetahui dosa aku pada Nisa....ampunkan aku YA ALLAH....akhirnya Zakri terlelap disisi pusara Nisa bermimpikan oleh Zakri,Nisa datang mencium tangan, mengucup dahi dan memeluk Zakri dengan lembut mulus. Zakri melihat Nisa tenang dan jelas kegembiraan terpancar dimuka Nisa Putih bersih. Nisa, Nisa, Nisa nak kemana Nisa, Nisa, Nisaaaaaa. Zakri terjaga dari lenanya. Terngiang-ngiang suara kembar menangis. "YA ALLAH ,Zakri,Zakri bangun Zakri...dan hampir senja ni, mari kita balik, kenapa kau tidur kat sini Zakri?" tegur abang long , abang ipar Zakri. Dari jauh Zakri lihat emak dan kakak ipar mengendung kembar. Mereka menangis. Zakri berlari menuju ke arah kembarnya dan mengusap-usap ubun-ubun anak kembar dan secara automatik kembarnya diam dari menangis. "Danial, Dania anak ayah, ayah akan menjagamu nak...kaulah penyambung zuriat, darah daging ayah... emak, abang dan kakak ipar Zakri tersedu hiba dan mereka berlalu lemah meninggalkan pusara Nisa....

source:

Uwais Prudential Bsn Takaful: Diari Seorang Isteri...

dulu dan sekarang.

2010-06-02T06:18:00.000-07:00

dulu.

sekarang.

2nd hand, bcz we (my dad, my mom and i) went to perodua pontian to buy a brand new myvi but the dealer said i have to wait for about 2 months till i get the car. but i dont have 2 months. my sister had been wailing (yes literally wailing) for a car bcz she didnt have any transport to go to campus. she used to drive my dad's old renault, but since the car, well, was broken beyond repair, so she insisted on a new car. and as the oldest sister, i have to give in and give her my kenari and find a car to my name. and i insisted on a myvi, and my father literally went to all the 2nd hand car shops all over pontian to find me one. manual myvis were everywhere, but it was hard to find an auto myvi. and then my dad found JKR1009 and it was a good, brand new like car (2007 with 30k mileage if i was not mistaken), so, that's it, the myvi is mine. my name. heh.

congratulations to me. my first very own property.

enough said.

2010-05-31T06:56:00.000-07:00

my friend once told me that dr fadzilah kamsah once said that the engagement is not something to be fussed about.

so i swore to myself that i will not upload my engagement pics until the wedding date is fixed.

now the wedding date has been fixed, there you are.

me, my mom, dad and his family.

him. waiting outside. patiently.

and my favourite pic of the day. suhaina. ain and adik.

semoga jodoh kami kekal sehingga ke akhirnya.
amin.

some thoughts.

2010-05-04T04:49:00.000-07:00

" Selamat pagi baby, muwwah salam sayang yang tak terhingga hehe"

4 May 2010 07:57
From: Khairul

and i was smiling the whole day.

thanks sayang, u made my day. u always do.

stress.

2010-04-23T01:29:00.000-07:00

yeah, it has been a while, i know.

ive been busy teachering (oh is that even a word?). being a good teacher is not one easy thing.

same as being a good worker.

i swear, im not working my ass off to be the employee of the month or something. im not trying to kiss someone's ass, becoming the apple of his or her eyes. im not. i complete my work because that's my responsibility. i did my best because that's what i am, i have to do my best in everything i do, i just have to. im not trying to outshine others, im not trying to make myself outstanding compared to my other friends.

and yet, someone told me not to work very hard. someone told me not to give my best in every assignment that was given to me. someone told me that if i cant do the job, i just have to admit, and ask for help. someone told me that i dont have to do every work that has been assigned to me. someone told me to learn how to say NO.

because i am this close to become the apple of her eyes. and that someone told me that, all the apples of her eyes have to do more work that others. so if i keep trying to impress her or something, the music that i have to face is that i have to do more than others, because the only thing that matters to her is to get her job done. and that's the culture here. the more she loved someone, the more work that someone will get.

God i swear, i never did anything to impress anyone.

and now im so confused. should i just continue minding my own business and keep doing what i do now, and unintentionally keep impressing her? or should i do as that someone told me to? i dont want to risk my job, i dont want to risk my confirmation process.

im just doing my job for God sake!

.......

2010-03-18T00:51:00.001-07:00

"what if we get married at the end of this year and i cannot get transferred until after my position is confirmed? i cannot think of the possibility of being away from you especially when we are officially allowed to live together..."

"baby, we survived four years of relationship away from each other..why cant we survive this..?i know its hard for both of us..but i have a strong faith that we can survive this.."

"but still..away from u..."

"i know its hard baby..i know..its hard for me too..but we can try right.."

"yeah..but what's the point of getting married so soon if we still have to be away from each other..?"

"at least everything will be appropriate, halal and legal...right.."

"still..three years is like forever..."

"you can come here during school holidays..or every other weekend..n i can come and meet you there also.."

"and stay with you for like 3 days and have to leave again? i dont think i can.."

"i know u can..try filling in the transfer form every time it is available..i'll find ways to get you transferred here as soon as possible..if we have to appeal, we appeal..ok.."

"yeah..i guess i dont have much choice.."

"baby, it is only 300km..my superior has been away from his wife for like three years now, and his wife is somewhere in sabah.. imagine that.. at least we still can meet every weekend if you like.."

"yeah...right...but still..."

"ok now, do u want to get married or not? because if this is causing u pain and doubt, we can delay..but i rather not.."

"no, i want to...i guess i have to work on that 'away' part as hard as i can.."

"i know u can baby..i know we will survive this.."

killing time.

2010-03-06T19:47:00.000-08:00

i am updating from postgraduate research room (control and instrumentation research group) UTM.

why am i here?

khairul was back 2 days ago bcz he had a meeting with the fabrication factory (or something like that, im not sure) and his supervisor regarding his prototype. so while waiting for him to settle his research works, i took out his laptop (curik keluar dpd backpack die hahaha) and his modem and sit here at his workspace (or ex-workspace, i must say, though this cubicle still got his name and stuff lying around) and tada! hahaha. just to kill time. so boring la waiting without doing nothing. its not like i understand what they were talking about, since they were talking in a different language. mechanical engineering language ke ape ntah. malas nak bother.

oh i moved out from the crappy crappy house rented by crappy crappy owner. n the house i moved into is such a big house with a big rent. rm600. can u believe it? mahal gile woh. but the house is humongous, with kitchen cabinet with the stove attached, 3 bedroom with 3 bathroom, a dining hall, and practically 3 huge halls. and two parking lots. memang sgt worth the rent. oh nanti i'll snap some pictures and upload them here. and we each got one bedroom and one bathroom, so no toilet sharing. haha.

ok lah since he has finished with his work, i think i'll stop here. see u soon!!

he.she.them.

2010-02-22T04:02:00.000-08:00

assalamualaikum.

makin lama makin panjang pulak jarak between entries. haha. pemalas punye orang.

alhamdulillah, life has been treating me fairly well. everything seems in order. not a perfect order, but everything went quite smoothly, so far. rase mcm dh bleh adapt dgn working life. skit-skit la kot. huhu.

tapi recently memang byk sgt progress in my life, his life and our life together.

my life, well as u know, im already a teacher. i have a job with a good salary. ok life memang pretty hectic, with all the responsibilities and stuff, but i still have a life. bleh lagi balik rumah every other weekend, bleh lagi tgk wayang and meronda shopping complex and all, boleh lagi dating. and speaking of dating, i am officially in a long distance relationship. again.

because now he is working as a PTD dekat JPM. jabatan perdana menteri putrajaya. baru beberapa hari kot. lapor diri last thursday. so he was assigned dekat JPM, tapi masih belum tau lagi agensi ke suruhanjaya mana ke. masih lagi ade good possibbilities yang die akan dipostingkan anywhere in malaysia (including the other side of malaysia, mind u), but for the time being he has to undergo and go through all those kursus and taklimay n stuff. maybe on thursday or friday barula die akan tau dia ditempatkan di mana.

i was pretty upset because it was barely 2 months yg kita dapat together dalam satu jarak yg boleh diconsider sbg dekat (pasir gudang - skudai is about half an hour journey by car, kalo tak jam), but still, masih dekat kalo nak compare dengan our relationship for the past four years (OMG that was a long time right) yg everytime kita nak jumpe, have to travel 4 hours by bus. sekarang? i kat pasir gudang and he is in putrajaya (for the time being). jauh lagi. nasib baik memang la kita dh biasa jauh. huhu.

and when he is working and i am working and we both have pretty much a good salary (almost rm5k combined together), so we have decided to take our relationship to the next level. mana tahu akan tukar status somewhere at the end of THIS year? haha. jeng jeng jeng. doakanlah jodoh kami. penat dh jauh2 ni. haih.

so thats it. i'll see u when i see u.

assalamualaikum.

membebel.

2010-01-21T05:49:00.000-08:00

it has been a while. again.

ntahlah. ade je mase free untuk update, tp dlm kepala ada banyak sangat benda nak kene fikir. sampai rase mcm nak demam pon ade. haih. dear en. demam, plez dont come now. i need a healthy mind and body or i cannot get rid of my piles of work. n plez dont come again any other day. tsk.

kerja memang banyak. super banyak. its a good thing la sebenarnya kan sbb i kene ajar english, something that i dont have to work hard studying at night for. ok memang still kene study lagi, tp tak la mcm fizik yang i kene fahamkan betul2 every night to come out with an easy explanation that can be understood by the students. bukan senang nak fahamkan students.sometimes bende simple mcm subject-verb agreement pon i kene explain smpi 3 kali barula diorng dpt the idea. itu pon dgn mcm2 contoh ayat dah, keluar dah sume bahasa melayu dlm kelas english. haha.

students memang nakal. diorng tak jahat, tapi memang super nakal. bile marah, diorang senyap la, tp sekejap jek dh potpetpotpet balik. especially budak lelaki. melayu some more. suke btol loyar buruk. tp kalo students cina,memang la kene guna approach lain. untuk some, boleh la nak gertak2 hempas buku ke ape, but for others, menag kene pegi depan die, cakap baik2, reasoning sume. baru 3 minggu, i dah banyak belajar pasal students punye karenah ni, n the best way to deal with each and everyone of them.

dalam kelas memang geram. sakit hati btol dgn budak2 yang tak faham bahasa melayu. kalo cina tu i faham la, bahasa melayu bukan diorang punye mother tongue. yang melayu pon sama, nak kene cakap 40 kali (hiperbola ok) pon blom tentu dengar cakap lagi. tapi blom lagi jadi kes i baling budak dgn pemadam whiteboard mcm mase kat sdasa dulu la kan. huhu.

hari ni jek i dah denda budak kelas 2A. budak kelas 2A ni previously i yg jadi diorang punye form teacher, tp bile streaming, i dah tukar jadi form teacher kelas lain. tapi dgn budak2 2A ni i mcm dah kenal sgt la perangai seketul2. tp tadi, i punye mase pkul 10.30, mase baru pas recess. biasa la budak2 masuk lmbt kan, so i pon takde la rush sgt, sekali i sampai kelas 10.35, ade la 2, 3 ketul dlm kelas. i gave them 30 seconds to get in the class or i will dimerit them 5 points. masih lagi tamo masuk. dah 10.45 pon blom sume masuk lagi. geram gile weh. rase mcm nak baling je dgn pemadam whiteboard kat muke seketul2. i soh sume orang salin essay kat buku teks 3 times. kalo sorang je pon tak anta even, satu kelas i dimerit lagi 5 point. so jgn terkejut la kalo u nampak ur point dh kurang -5 in one day, i cakap dgn diorng. sume hantar buku weh! haha. i tak sempat nak check lagi, tp for the late-comers tu i dah siapkan list salah laku tu, blom bagi kat form teacher jek.

mcm chinese kat 2A tu, kang jin hui, wai loong, phon wai jin, yee kai, sume okay jek kalo bawak borak. buat keje pon okay jek sbenarnya, tapi ikot mood diorang la. kalo diorng rase nak buat, memang la siap. tapi phon wai jin dgn wai loong, keje memang siap. marahla mcm mane pon, keje diorang mesti hantar punye. memang bagus. kang jin hui dgn yee kai ikot mood, tp ooi kah wai memang susah lah. nak kene cakap baik2 baru la nak buat. blom tentu hantar lagi pon.

untuk kelas yg i baru dpt ni, blom lagi kenal sepenuhnye, tp kak mas, previous form teacher kate, dlm kelas ni ade otai skolah. huhu. i terkesima (ceewah cikgu bm sila bagi kredit kat i sbb i guna perkataan baru ni) sbb kalo form 2 dah jadi otai, form 5 nak jadi ape? hadoi. tp setakat ni tak buat hal lagi la. elok je walaupun tak cukup tanah nak kejar budak2 kelas ni, sbb dpd 39 orang, cuma 8 orang perempuan. imagine 33 boys dgn 33 jugak perangai. mcm2.

dlm kelas memang la i jadi singa betina. muke memang bengis jek smpi kene tegur dgn students. haha. sume orang kat bilik guru teringin nak tengok mcm mane i dlm kelas, sbb for those yang biasa around me akan tau la betapa tak garangnye i ni kan. tp dgn student memang trus jadi org lain. penat sebenarnya nak marah. pening kepala. sakit tekak.

tp mcm mane nakalnye pon budak2 ni dlm kelas, mcm mane hebatnye perasaan untuk mencekik seketul2 tu membara dalam jiwa i ni, bila i dok sorang2 mcm ni dn terfikir balik perangai those midgets (okay bukan midgets, most of them are bigger than me, but u get the idea) i rase mcm diorang la jadi semangat i nak teruskan pegi keje tiap2 pagi. sbb i tau diorang sume budak baik. boleh jek nak dgr cakap. cume memang super nakal. nak perhatian.

kat skolah ni, memang la workload sgt overload. haha. beban kerja memang melimpah ruah lah. tapi kene redha la. khairul kate tak bleh pressure sgt, buat jek ape keje yang disuruh, jgn fikir tak suke ke tak boleh buat ke. kalo tak boleh buat, tanye sampai boleh buat. belajar kawal emosi. belajar sabar. jangan fikir tension jek. anggap je la sume bende tu masuk dlm job description. huhu. my super-boyfriend-husband-bestfriend-n-everything ni la yang tolong dengar my ranting every night. dan tak pernah sekali pon dia mengeluh. tak pernah sekali pon nak jatuhkan semangat i. every night pon die akan kate, jgn tensen2 sangat....rileks jek.. jangan terlampau fikirkan kerja tu..buat je, tak payah fikir..huhu.. memang anis super sayang kat abang lah.

and tomorrow is a new day. same crowd, same job, same place, but still, a new day.

=)

laporan minggu pertama.

2010-01-09T06:42:00.000-08:00

haha blog dah bersawang ada stalaktit stalagmit sume. bizi weh.

alhamdulillah, dah seminggu bergelar guru sandaran siswazah terlatih (GSST). alhamdulillah dpt posting kat johor. alhamdulillah bukan kawasan kampung, tesco seri alam cume 5 minit dpd umah. nama sekolah? smk seri alam 2. alhamdulillah coworkers sume sgt membantu. alhamdulillah pengetua, pk pentadbiran, pk koku, pk hem pon sgt baik. dan alhamdulillah kakak2 kerani sekolah sgt rajin dan efisyen smpi rasa macam nak bagi hadiah cookies famous amos bungkus dalam tin wrap dgn ribbon bukan mcm kerani2 sekolah lain yg dah season dn asyik bagi alasan mesih fotostat pon nak rehat. alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal.

smk seri alam 2 ni letaknye dekat pasir gudang. ok bukan la btol2 kat pasir gudang. dekat masai sebenarnye. tp kire pasir gudang la jugak. dan dok bwh ppd pasir gudang. sekolah baru, bukak tahun 2002. kire canggih la sbb ade website dan blogspot sendiri. pengurusan sekolah memang tiptop. cuma yang menetukan keberkesanan ataupun kejayaan satu2 sekolah tu bukan lah semata2 pengurusan jek kan. student pon kene tiptop. tp alhamdulillah kot, setakat seminggu mengajar ni, rasanya sekolah ni takde masalah disiplin seteruk sekolah i practical dulu. tp tatau la budak2 ni baru seminggu blom lagi nak tunjuk belang tanduk ekor tulang sume kan. harap2 nye ok lah.

subjek yang telah di-assign for me? english. kata puan hajah (pk pentadbiran), ppd yang suruh i ajar english. ok, i know my spm memang la dpt A1, 1119 memang la B3, MUET memang la band 5, i can write ok, i know basic grammar, tp untuk bercakap, my confidence level memang la out. sbb takde environment nk ckp kot, so my coherency tu ade masalah skit. setakat ckp dgn udin ngn mamat boleh la. huhu. maka i kena la work extra hard to improve my speaking skill dan juga kene ajar lagi. adoi, beratnya tanggungjawab.

i kene ajar lower form. form 1 n form 2. dan kene ajar amalan bahasa melayu kelas peralihan. according tu one of the senior teachers kat situ, amalan bahasa melayu ni lebih kepada mengajar student2 mengeja, dn bercakap bahasa melayu, sbb kelas peralihan kan memang tak berapa faham bahasa melayu. selain tu, tanggungjawab yang i dah dapat:

Guru Tingkatan
berat rupanya keje jadi form teacher ni. kene cari maklumat lengkap student. kene cari TOV ETR ke ape ntah. baru la i tau rupenye buku register yang dulu selalu cikgu2 kite buat tanda kehadiran tu sebenarnye tak buleh gune liquid paper. i kene jadi form teacher untuk form 2 cekal. kelas average la dr segi ranking. harap2 la dpt buat dengan betul. huhu.

Penolong Setiausaha Kurikulum
i dah jumpe s/u kurikulum tu, pn juhaida. just kene tulis minit mesyuarat jek. meeting pon cume 4 kali setahun. tp kalo ade tugas tambahan memg kene redha je la kan. haha.

Guru Penasihat Pengawas
last and the only time i was a prefect was masa i standard 6. that was about 12 years ago kot! haha. blom tau lagi keje ape kene buat.

secara keseluruhannya (ceewah mcm nak buat chapter 5 thesis la pulak) sekolah ni sgt okay kot. for the time being la. tp for me, yg penting adalah support system. even students tu kadang2 buat kite rase marah, geram, sedih ke ape kan, tp bile kite balik staffroom dn kite tau yg kawan2 kat staffroom sume saling support each other, rasenye stress tu akan kurang byk sgt. dn support system kat sekolah ni memg best. terbaik. world class (bak kate pengetua die). i belum rase tension lagi. mungkin sbb i dh set mind yg keje ni is my financial source kot. so nak tak nak i kene buat jugak. so alang2 dh kene buat, biarla i buat dgn happy kan. kene enjoy keje. yang paling penting, ikhlas. ikhlas. dan ikhlas. insya Allah yang lain tu akan datang sendiri.

all the best to myself.

my night out.

2009-12-06T05:43:00.000-08:00

salam.

yesterday was such a great day. and a damn tiring one, too. been up since God knows how early, cooked lunch for khairul and neya (4 dishes+kitchen cleaning in less than one hour, even i impressed with myself), and off to klcc. watching new moon (im a huge, humongous fan of the twilight saga but i think this movie is pretty slow, book's version is much2 better, as always, and yeah, pretty frustrating for a book reader like me). thank goodness we have bought the tickets online, bcz when we arrived there, the queuing line was as long as the place can hold. haha.

bcz i easily get tired, i was tired already and my legs were aching even before we entered the first exhibition room. but we walked and walked and walked until we reached the exhibition room for computer accesories n stuff. so he, nope, we, went looking for his external hard disk. ok did i tell u i was tired already? and the room was freaking congested with people from all sizes and smells. haha. very bingit too, with people shouting the goodness of their products and bargaining for cheaper prices or better offers. and my head started to spin. and after like forever (for me of course, we actually only went to like one fifth of the shops there haha thanks to my tiredness), he bought his hard disk for i forgot what the price was. and then we went through all the shops (we have to or we will never get to the exit door) and he found some very same hard disks with the same capacity and brand as his but with much cheaper prices (by rm7 i think), and he was quite frustrated and starting to regret his decision (to be fair to him, it was actually MY decision with some pretty good and logic reasons, actually i would have said anything just to not having to walk through all those stores for many many times hahaha) of buying before surveying the whole exhibition hall. n i think he started blaming me too, for being sooo tired i couldnt even bother to look for my keyboard protecter, bcz if it was up to him, he would have surveyed the whole building before buying. but i refused to accept my guilt (haha) and switched into defensive mode and told him if he wanted to go through the whole klcc then he should go with some of his gadget-freak friend instead of going with his lazy-to-walk, easily gets tired and boring girlfriend. but he said he never said that it was my fault that he bought the hard disk from that particular store, which was actually and hurtfully (haha) true bcz he never literally said that it was my fault (hahaha terasa sendiri kan nampak sgt bersalah tp tak nak mengaku).

then we went to jom heboh at bukit jalil. it was after ten when we finally reached there, and most of the booth had already been closed. i bought one bag of munchy's product, one bag of ribena's, and he bought 4 cans of nescafe for rm5. haha.

ok. this is the best part. both of us wanted to try the so-called famous nasi lemak at kampung baru. and after two hours of searching the place (ok im not going to tell u the whole process of searching the place bcz reminding myself alone will make me feel like i am the world idiotest idiot) we finally found nasi lemak antarabangsa. very frustrating, bcz the nasi lemak is not that good, and the price, oh God, so expensive for a not-so-delicious nasi lemak. sooo not going back. haha.

off to uptown danau kota at 1.

my legs were aching like mad. seriously. and i was soooo sleepy i couldnt even speak coherently (haha). but bcz i was with my loving, funny, charming, ever dearest boyfriend (sayang i know u read this sila tambah lagi sepasang baju kurung dalam perjanjian kita hahaha), so i was trying like mad to stay awake. haha. and we walked and walked and walked and the only thing i bought ( yes I paid with rm5 i took from HIS wallet haha) was a scarf. haha. and i dont know how, but i ended up watching a football match (it was manchester city vs chelsea and man city won the match, i think) with a can of coke, and a pair of barely open eyes. hahahaha. and we continued watching (it was Juventus vs InterMilan this time), nope, HE continued watching, I played sudoku on his fon, until it was morning enough to get back to serdang. he sent me home, i reached home some where around six am, freshen up, he went to masjid upm to solat subuh n self-cleaning process (haha ape itu self-cleaning process, is that phrase even existed? i wonder. haha). he fetched me for breakfast. off to putrajaya.

when we were pretty sure that it was late enough for alamanda to be finally opened for business (haha), we went there. i dont even know or notice what we were doing, but it was finally noon n i was hungry. we went for lunch at the food court, and we sat there till 3pm. after performing our solat, we went to puduraya to sent him home.

reached puduraya at 5.10pm. got a 5.30pm ticket. but the bus only arrived at 6pm at a DIFFERENT platform. but it was very, very hard to let him leave me, so i stayed with him until the bus arrived. then after he boarded his bus, i drove back to serdang. puduraya-serdang was a roughly 20min journey, but i took more than one hour to reach home, so u can guess how bad the traffic was. plus it was raining heavily.

finally reached home. nobody's home, as expected. self-cleaning, and finally sat here, updating. haha.

this stayed-up-all-night thing was never in plan actually, but since none of my housemates were home that saturday night (neya stayed up outside too, eating ikan bakar somewhere in kelang with her mates) and along went home for her friend's wedding, so i thought, why not we spend the night outside too, instead of leaving me sleeping alone at home. this is my first time doing this, so i was pretty surprised that i managed to stay awake all night. maybe bcz he was with me the whole time. so that's it. actually i am so sleepy, but im waiting for khairul to reach JB, and he already did about 5 minutes ago (alhamdullillah). so now i'll tuck myself in, and good night everyone.

ps to khairul: see what i did for u? i stayed up. i was awake all the time. not sleeping for even one second when u were driving. it took all my strength, but somehow, i managed. see? so please, another baju kurung in our agreement. now u owe me six baju kurung. or is it seven? nevermind, bcz i love u, i'll round it up to ten. hahaha. thanks for the night. and days. it was suuuuuperb! love u sayang!! XOXO

pps: sorry for all the typos and grammatical errors and everything. i am soo tired i dont even want to read and correct everything again. *wink

suatu outing itu.

2009-11-29T19:44:00.000-08:00

salam.

mula2 takde la plan betul2 nak gather ke ape, just cakap2 dgn afiq aka apek yang i rindu dgn kawan2 rka dulu. then afiq kate, kalo nak gather, roger jek, die bleh tolong rogerkan kawan2 lain. than on friday, hari raya haji tu i pg rumah nana, die bertunang (congratulations dear~). mula2 tatau pon nana tunang, tp amal roger kata soh pg, so i pon siap n pg. so bila dah jumpa amal, i pon kata mesti best kalo bleh gather ramai2, afiq kata kalo nak gather roger je die. so amal ngn nana pon kate set. maka i pon telah meroger afiq untuk mengajak gather. maka semalam, bergather la kami. mula2 lepak dekat alif, restoran mamak kat tambak, pastu ramai2 pg tg piai. pastu solat dekat masjid serkat, n pg dinner sama2 kat permas. sangat havoc dn sgt rock la budak2 ni skrg, maybe sbb semua dah besar, tp still suka menyakat n loyar buruk sama je cam dulu. i memang tak pernah gather dgn this crowd of guys. selalu hang dgn budak2 baik mcm adzizie, ali, hadi, n all, tp kali ni, lepak dgn the darker side (ahahahaha) masa kat skolah dulu. so mereka2 yang datang:

girls. kami kaum perempuan memang tak ramai dlm kelas dulu. 2 kelas rka dan cuma ada 13 orang perempuan out of 60. yang lain sume lelaki.

1. amal: my very best friend. kawan gosip sehidup semati.
2. ummu: skrg dh jadi lecturer kat utm. baru lepas interview nak pg oversea untuk further her phd.
3. bedah: baru balik dpd kenduri kawen, terus pg mamak. sgt kecoh sama je mcm dulu. sumber gosip utama (sebab die yang paling ramai contact kat kawasan kukup sana).
4. nana: join cuma mase dinner, sbb kitorg lmbt bgtau die, die dah janji dulu dgn tunang die nak kuar cari brg hantaran.
5. noor: jumpe kat tg piai. sbb die keje sane skrg. sbb die la kami dpt separuh harga untuk entrance fee. haha. dan die jugak la yang bertanggungjawab membelanja semua orang punye dinner.

guys. ade la dlm 4 ke 5 kereta kot mase gi tg piai tu.
1. afiq @ apek: dulu kat skola i jarang gile cakap dgn die ni. tp skrg die la yg selalu contact dkt ym n facebook. bertanggungjawab mengumpulkan segerombolan budak2 lelaki yg join gathering ni.
2. harif: rasenye la spell name die mcm tu kalo i tak silap. haha. kenal muka die. tp nama tak ingat. same je mcm dulu. diam jek.
3. ayul: anak cikgu safiah. paling kecoh n paling byk tanya.
4. arif @ tonjang: die ni muka paling tak berubah. masih tinggi. masih sama rupa. cara cakap pon masih sama.
5. shahir.
6. hazeli.
7. anuar @ jueh.
8. azahari @ zack.
9. najib.
10. malan.
11. shahizwan @ sabun.
12. khaizum. die ni bukan clasmet. tp kawan kepada clasmet. ntah sape yg bwk die. tp he's a great sport la, tak kesah pon.
13. napi: he's also my boyfren's fren. agak rapat jugak kot. jadi asyik la bertanya mane la en boyfren. ish.
14. a-rey.

sungguh2 sgt best. dn malan ajak pg umah die 13 disember nt, wedding abang die. maybe bleh jadi next gathering?

looking forward to our next gath!

ps: gmbr takde. my camera rosak. i rase handicap gile bile takde kamera ni. ayo.

pps: puas hati?

sudahlah.

2009-11-24T09:25:00.000-08:00

sekarang semua orang dah tahu. tahu cuma cerita versi kau. dan the so-called kawan2 tu pun tak pernah bother untuk dengar cerita versi aku. tak bagi peluang langsung untuk aku defend diri sendiri. memanglah kau merana. aku tahu kau merana. tapi sebab kita ade crowd kawan2 yang sama. mereka nampak kau yang baik. kau lah mangsa kezaliman aku. aku lah yang paling jahat. aku lah yang hancurkan hati kau. tapi hati aku yang hancur mereka tak nampak. perasaan aku mereka tak tahu. kenapa? sbb aku tak pernah beritahu. masalah aku adalah masalah aku. aku tak pernah malukan kau depan kawan2 aku atau kawan2 kau. aku tak pernah cerita apa2 pun pada siapa2. semua rahsia kau, siapa kau sebenar, aku simpan kuat2 dalam hati aku. aku tak tahu sama ada kau atau siapa pun yang sebarkan cerita, tapi kawan2 aku dah bukan lagi kawan2 aku. okay. mungkin bukan semua. mungkin hanya yang rapat dengan kau. yang jadi saksi penderitaan kau. tapi aku dah hilang sebahagian daripada kawan2 aku. kawan2 yang pernah bertukar cerita, berkongsi meja dengan aku satu masa dulu. aku ralat. sebab mereka tak pernah tahu apa yang sebenarnya terjadi. mungkin kalau mereka tahu apa yang terjadi, mereka tak akan benci aku. mungkin kalau mereka tahu cerita dari pihak aku, mereka tak akan buang aku. atau tidak. mungkin mereka masih benci dan buang aku walaupun mereka tahu cerita versi aku. tapi tak apa. sekurang-kurangnya mereka tahu kisah sebenar. sekurang-kurangnya mereka tahu cerita dari dua belah pihak. sekurang-kurangnya mereka menghukum aku kerana memang salah aku. ya. aku mengaku. aku memang bersalah. semuanya bukan salah kau sepenuhnya. mungkin jika aku lebih berterus terang tentang apa yang aku rasa, perkara tak akan jadi seteruk ini. mungkin jika aku lebih lantang bersuara, mereka akan mendengar. tapi aku bukan orang yang berterus terang dengan apa yang aku rasa. aku bukan orang yang lantang bersuara. dan kau tahu. kau tahu semuanya. kau tahu aku tidak akan bersuara walaupun hati aku sakit. sebab kau adalah antara manusia yang mengenali siapa aku sebenarnya. kau adalah antara manusia yang tahu cara aku berfikir dan bertindak. kau adalah antara manusia yang tahu aku sanggup korbankan segalanya termasuk perasaan aku sendiri demi orang2 penting dalam hidup aku. kau tahu. jadi mungkin kawan2 aku tak akan tahu perkara sebenar. jadi mungkin kawan2 aku tak akan tahu cerita versi aku. sebab aku tak pernah berniat nak bercerita kepada mereka. kepada sesiapa. jadi mungkin mereka akan terus hukum aku. dan aku akan terus menjadi villain dalam cerita ini. tapi aku rasa aku lebih sanggup terus jadi villain daripada memalukan sesiapa. dan cerita2 yang terlepas? dan kawan2 yang bukan lagi kawan2? memang aku kesal. tapi tak ada apa yang boleh aku buat lagi untuk selamatkan keadaan. even kau minta maaf seribu tahun sekali pun, even aku dah maafkan kau hingga ke dosa terakhir kau dengan aku, aku tetap hilang kawan2. aku tetap jadi penghancur hati di mata kawan2 aku. aku tetap dihina. aku tetap manusia yang buat kau merana. sebab tak ada apa yang kau boleh buat untuk mengubah pandangan mereka terhadap aku. sebab apa yang terjadi dah pun terjadi. maka aku redha walaupun aku sedih. aku redha aku hilang kawan2. aku redha aku jadi penjahat. aku redha mereka pandang aku hina.

sebab aku tak akan sekali2 menceritakan keburukan sesiapa kepada sesiapa pun, walaupun akibatnya keburukan itu jadi milik aku.

----

2009-11-21T10:39:00.000-08:00

salam.

first skali nak btau, remember the dinner yg i mentioned kat previous entry yg khairul said it'll be special bla bla bla? well, the dinner sucks. ok not because one of us spoilt the evening, bukan2. bukan salah kami. salah makanan. the food tak sedap. ok bukan la sampai tahap tak boleh makan, sbb i memg lapar so i telan je, tp i pernah jumpe menu yg sama yg jauh lebih sedap dpd those food. n i malas la nak complain byk2 kan, sbb khairul mmg merungut je spnjg time makan tu. die memg sgt la particular tentang ape yg masuk dlm mulut die. so bile die dh asyik merungut, tak kan la i pon nak merungut jugak kan. so i dengar kan je dn telan je la makanan yg dh terhidang tu. oh and the price is damn expensive too. kitorg pernah mkn menu yg lebih kurg same dgn harga less than rm70. n guess how much this dinner cost us? rm95.70. haih. dah la tak sedap. memg la takkan dtg lagi kat situ.

so i dh smpi kajang on friday sebenarnya. pastu tido kajang satu mlm. pastu mlm ni (sebenarnya dh pagi pon) tido la umah terchenta ni. ntah la memg i ni ade trouble sleeping ke ape kan, tp kalo smpi kat serdang ni, mesti susah nk tido. kalo kat umah kajang ke umah pontian ke, even mase lepak bilik ain kat utm pon, pkul 1 tu dh tak bleh bukak mate dh. tp kalo kat serdang ni, pkul 3 pon masih fresh lagi la mate ni tak mau tutup. ok die boleh je nak tutup sbnrnye tp u got the idea la kan. aiyoo.

next week kami the rockin housemates ade plan besar yg menyusahkan diri sendiri dan mengoyakkan poket yg tak berape berisi ni. kami nak tour pg pantai timur. sbb hari first raya haji tu my ex rumet -ana- yg jugak ex rumet neya nak kawen. sebenrnye die dah nikah pon tp baru nak sanding ni kan. dn hari raya kedua tu senior kitorg nak kawen. pastu ade la nk pg melawat anak zihan punye cukur jambul ke ape ntah. pastu nk melawat trex. bukan trex dinosor. trex yg name btol die atirah. haha. dn sebenarnye kitorg love any excuse to berjalan2. maka raya haji tahun ni jauh la dpd umah. huhu. sedih jugak sbnrnye, sbb mase raya haji ni la mak nak masak bende sedap2. tp ingatkan nak balik umah pas tour tu so harap mak dpt masakkan lagi la. hahaha.

nak kena lelapkan mata. walaupun esok ahad dn i boleh tido smpi tgh hari. tp kene tido jugak skrg. mari tutup mata dn berangan kawen dgn prince charming.

quick update.

2009-11-16T06:35:00.000-08:00

salam.

hola. skrg tgh packing sbb esok nak balik johor. haha. sbb nt raya haji tak balik sbb insya Allah nk pg wedding ana dgn kak bazzy. so kene balik la kalo tak nt kene isytihar anak derhaka karang tak masuk syurga pulak. maka update sbb nak bgtau this geeky nerdy girl just bought 2 new novels!

and finished reading them too!

ok so far out of this too, rasenye where rainbows end lagi best kot, sbb cara writer die tulis kinda unique. cerita die basically simple je, two bestfriends yang dh kawan baik since 5 didnt even realize they love each other, or they actually did but neither one of them wanted to admit their feeling. so they've ended up marrying other person and getting children and all. smpi la one time ni the guy finally admit yg die in love dgn the girl, which actually not really a girl anymore, since mase the guy confess tu, they were 50 years old! cliche enough. yg best n unik nye, cerita ni bukan mcm cerita biasa. this novel consists of lots and lotsa emails, letters, short messages, n stuff. memg takde langsung perenggan2 ke ape, kecuali die punye epilogue. so best la.

remember me pulak pasal satu girl ni yg accident pastu woke up dgn memories of three years back. she kinda lost a huge chunk of her memories, bcz in these three years, she actually married a mr. perfect, hac a perfect job, perfect look n stuff la. best jugak.

so im going to finish my packing (omg there are still sooo many things to pack!!) and if there is still time i want to watch a korean drama, cruel love (hero die lelaki yang berlakon stairway to heaven tu). cite sedih, first episod je dh byk nangis2. tp happy ending kot. tatau. tak abes tgk lagi. baru episod 4. n ive bought this dvd like half a year ago. hahahaha.

tomorrow got meeting with dr fauzi my ever beloved supervisor n after lunch, i'll be off to johor. and i'll have my dinner with khairul somewhere, i dunno, he said it'll be special just for two of us, n i just cant wait!

till then, tata~

sorries.

2009-11-16T05:06:00.000-08:00

Dear brain,
sorry for overloading you with thoughts of him.

Dear tummy,
sorry for all the butterflies.

Dear pillow,
sorry for all the tears.

Dear heart,
sorry for all the damages.

Dear me,
sorry for being head-over-heels in love with him.

allergy.

2009-11-10T07:54:00.000-08:00

salam.

hari ni i nak cerita pasal allergic. allergy. bukan elegi sepi macam yang azharina nyanyi tu. bukan2. tp allergy yang allergy la. tp my operational definition (cehceh mcm tgh tulis chapter 1 thesis pulak nak operational definition kan) kat sini is restriction to eat anything or to have physical contact with anything that will do damaged to ur body. any kind of damage. gatal2 ke. muntah2 ke. ape2 la.

kenape tibe2 rase mcm nak ckp pasal allergy? sbb td, hujan lebat sgt. kat my place ni, kalo hujan yg lebat sgt, air akan bertakung kat parking kereta tu. bertakung mcm banjir. bukan mcm kat kelantan tu. bukan2. bertakung yang cukup untuk tenggelamkan my whole feet kalo i pakai selipar buruk kaler pink yg beli kat giant mines tu. and to make it worse, my place ni anjing byk jalan-jalan, orang buang sampah sepah2, so i think u got the idea how euwwy air yang bertakung is.

dan tadi la jugak fakulti call kate my check dah siap. check yg claim untuk elaun demonstrator lab phy2001. mestila i nak ambik kan, mane bleh tunggu esok. lagi pun i nak anta tudung putih kat my sister yg kat mersing tu. pos laju. so i kene kuar la jugak kan by hook or by crook. hujan lebat atau panas terik.

ingat eh. hujan lebat. air bertakung kat parking lot. sampah byk sepah2. ok.

ok then pkul 2.30 i pon roger la aifaa soh turun. aifaa tunggu kat lift tingkat 9. so trun la same2. God its raining heavily sampai nampak everything mcm kaler grey jek. pastu i parking kat sebelah lift. usually i tak parking kat situ tp the night before i balik malam sbb beli beras kat giant mines dgn housemates n that was the only parking lot yg ade.

n there u go. dah la hujan lebat. tempat i parking tu pulak la tempat yg paling dalam air bertakung. i dgn aifaa dah gelak2 dah, sambil fikir mcm mane la nak pg kat kereta ni. last2 kene la redah jugak. rendam la kaki dlm air yg ade God knows what. masuk kereta je terus bukak selipar. kaki memg dah basah habis la kan. sangat geli tp nak buat mcm mane.

belum pon separuh jalan, kaki dah gatal2. mesti allergic dgn air. i memg la kalah dgn air yg tak berape bersih ni. worst case scenario, kalo air tu sgt lah kotor tak bleh tolerate, my whole body akan naik rashes yg gatal smpi tak bleh nk tido mlm sbb asyik nak menggaru jek. so tatau la sbb psikologi i yg kate air kat tempat parking yg dh merendam kaki i dan kaki2 God knows how many people sgt kotor smpi kaki i gatal2, atau memg air tu kotor menyebabkan kaki i gatal2. tp memg gatal la. so abes je sume station yg kene singgah -jbtn fizik, pejabat bendahari fakulti, cimb, post office, mcdonalds-, terus balik rumah n basuh kaki dgn sabun dettol. sabun dettol ye kawan2. dan jeans yang i pakai td - jeans baru kuar dpd drawer ye, baru basuh, baru first time pakai- dah masuk dlm bakul laundry.

n yet sampai sekarang kaki i masih gatal2 lagi. sampai i terpaksa letak minyak angin nak elak garu2.

dan some of bende2 lain yg i rase (rase ye haha) i allergy:

1. seafood. rasenye ni allergy yang paling common kot. dan i cuma tak bleh makan udang jek. bcz if i did, nt jari2 i yang tak berapa nak runcing dan halus ni akan naik bintat-bintat merah yang berair tu menyebabkan ia kelihatan lebih tidak runcing dan lebih tidak halus. i sebenarnye tak pernah ade allergy dgn seafood sampai la mase i second year, i selalu kene bisul kat mate. ade satu doktor kat PK ni kate i allergic dgn seafood padahal i tak pon, so die bg i ubat ape ntah yang lepas i makan jek, badan i terus naik gatal2 n jadi lagi teruk bile i makan udang. sungguh cis la doktor ni. bagi ubat makin buat allergy ke ape. dapat medical degree kat mexico ke. so since then memg la i tak bleh makan udang. tp i buat2 boleh je. telan je sume udang yang ade. boils or no boils, sanggup ku redahi demi kelazatan seekor udang. hahahaha.

2. oily food. by oily, i mean too oily yang smpi u boleh nmpk minyak2 die. ni selalunye ade kat ayam goreng yg dah kene goreng for God knows how many times. nasi minyak, nasi beriani, nasi tomato, nasi2 yang berlaukkan lauk yang lebih kurang mcm tu pon. nt i sakit kepala. sakit kepala sampai rase mcm nak muntah. haha. yang ni i memg pantang la. tak larat weh sakit kepala. ape keje pon tak jalan. n since skrg ni my hempedu ade problem, memg la lagi tak bleh makan lemak2. tapi badan makin lame makin berlemak. dgn lemak badan sendiri tak de nak allergic pulak. haha.

3. shampoo rejoice. i figure out yg i tak bleh pakai shampoo rejoice ni mase kat samura. one day tu my shampoo abes n i mintak la shampoo one of my dormmates dn i end up sakit kepala wengweng sampai kene dok sickbay satu hari. mule2 tu tatau la yg buat sakit kepala tu shampoo, ingat bende salah makan ke panas sangat ke ape ntah. pastu pakai lagi sekali, pon masuk sickbay lagi. sah la. yang ni pon i tak ignore. i memg avoid shampoo rejoice.

4. body odour. atau pon bau2 yang tidak menyenangkan. i memg sgt sensitif, my nose memg sgt peka terhadap bau yg pelik2 especially bau badan. dn i akan suffer lagi teruk than others la kalo terbau bau pelik2 ni. sampai satu tahap boleh termuntah. huhu. no offense la people with body odour, deodoran melambak-lambak jual kat supermarket. bukan mahal pon. takkan la diri sendiri pon tak bau.

5. bende masam. yang ni i bukan allergic. i tak suke. taksuketaksuketaksuke. tak boleh terime. intolerable.

dan byk lagi la since i ni memg demand orangnye. haha.

so sebenarnye allergy ni byk main dgn kite nye psikologi (oh adakah ini bermaksud i seorang psiko???). mind over matter. tp bagi kes2 yg teruk sampai masuk hospital n everything tu, tu memg kene elak la kan. tapi untuk orang yang banyak sangat songeh (haha) mcm i ni, kene la ubati perasaan tu sendiri. bukan selamanya kita hidup senang kan. bukan setiap masa pun kite bleh dpt ape yang kite nak. huhu.

ok skrg kene tido esok pagi kene present storyboard kat dr fauzi. walaupun blom siap lagi. haha. tido itu lebih penting.

nite-nite.

mom...

2009-11-10T03:10:00.000-08:00

I'm five years old, it's getting cold, I've got my big coat on
I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you, I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides, look now, the sky is gold
I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall
But I know you're not scared of anything at all
Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today

I'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
And we talk and window shop 'til I've forgotten all their names

I don't know who I'm gonna talk to now at school
But I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you
Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day with you today

I have an excellent father, his strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother, inside and out, he's better than I am
I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run
And I had the best days with you

There is a video I found from back when I was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen and you're talking to me
It's the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
And Daddy's smart and you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

And now I know why the all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
For staying back and watching me shine
And I didn't know if you knew, so I'm takin' this chance to say
That I had the best day with you today

Taylor Swift - The Best Day

dedicated to the best mom God ever created. i love u mom. really really love u.

meronda bersama housemates.

2009-11-09T00:48:00.000-08:00

salam.

lebih kurang hari isnin hari tu kot, tgh2 kitorg bertiga tgk tv, tibe2 neya kate, ' gi jalan2 jom?'. so i pun suggest melaka, n along suggest bukit tinggi. mule2 mcm tak yakin je nak pg ke tak kan, plus skrg ni musim hujan, so what's the point of going there kalo hujan kan. tp pagi sabtu tu sume org siap n menaiki mr bird, kitorg pon gerak ke bukit tinggi dgn harapan tak hujan la hari tu.

berhenti breakfast kat RnR genting sempah. oh god, every where ade org kelantan yg sgt2 berbaju merah putih. ade lebih dpd 4 buah bas kot yg ade bendera kelantan since mlm tu ade match yang kelantan lawan negeri sembilan yang negeri sembilan menang pastu org kelantan bakar seat kat stadium. well, we know kelantanese are kinda weird that way, they love their state so much that sometimes they do across the line but im not talking about mereka.

pastu kitorg pon teruskan perjalanan, smpi ke rabbit park, after that colmar tropicale, dan baru japanese village. here are some pictures, tak ikut turutan sbb i mls nak drag2, so yeah.

kitorg agak lucky la sbb memg tak hujan, cume mase kitorg nak turun balik tu hujan yg agak lebat jugak la. tp ok la. singgah mines, ingat nak tgk papadom. tp tiket malam la pulak. so balik rumah dulu, mandi sembahyang sume, pastu pkul 8.15 kuar gi mines balik. tiket kol 8.30. haha. mentang2 la dekat kan. asib baik parking pun agak senang la.

dan mase tgk wayang, huh. i was sooo unfortunate to be seated beside a couple. bukan masalah nye kene dok sblh couple tu. masalahnye i dok sebelah si boyfren n man, his mouth stinks! bau busuk gile weh. bercakap pun bau. pastu boleh die burp pulak! 2 kali pulak tu! ya rabbi, i memg dh nak muntah dah kat situ. dah buwek2 dah, luckily tak kuar pape. so throughout the movie i tutup hidung dgn sweater. langsung tak bleh nak concentrate tgk cite. rcf^&WC/.';/mrnym/'.; punye org. yang pelik tu, awek die yang baring kat bahu die boleh tak bau, padahal neya yg dok selang satu seat (seat i la) boleh bau. btol la. cinta memg buta. pekak. bisu. takde sebarang sense at all. huhu. i rase mcm nak offer clorets je kt die. tp malas la takut die offended n jadi gaduh la pulak. so i suffered in silence la. haih. rugi jek rm10.

so thats about that. one whole day berjalan, pkul 11 dah tak mampu nak bukak mata. tido tak terjaga sampai la pkul 10. hahahahaha.

crap crappier crappiest.

2009-11-08T00:24:00.000-08:00

salam.

hello.

sebenarnye setiap kali i bace others' blogs i akan buka page create post ni n start writing updates, tp setiap kali pun i akan stop writing sbb i tak cukup idea tatau nak tulis ape. same thing happens here, i baru lepas bloghopping -akmar,mira,hanis zalikha,farini,amal,zalikha,etc- n i opened this page n i started writing. lets hope i tak stop halfway when my ideas stop flowing n this entry will become draft n i will delete it 3 days later, not bothering to continue writing.

oh. i memg tak suke stop separuh jalan dn sambung balik. dalam apa2 perkara pun. kalo i buat keje separuh jalan, memg sampai situ je la i buat. memg tak akan sambung. that's why i tried very hard not to do things halfway. when i start, i finish. so before i start working on things, i akan pastikan i dah mandi, dah solat, dah makan, n dah buat everything so that bila i dah start duduk depan laptop n do my work, i dont have to bangun n do something else. i even akan letak satu botol air mineral by my side so everytime i haus, i dont have to get out of my room to get some water. sebab tu la i suke buat keje after isyak. pukul 10 malam baru start buat keje. n khairul selalunya akan jadi sgt2 understanding bila i banyak keje, he will call me just to say good night n let me finish my work without any disturbance.

n i think, i work my best while under pressure. usually people tak bleh concentrate bile under pressure n start to mess things up, but thats not my case. me, i need pressure to work. n i work wonders under pressure too. ok maybe not your kind of wonders. but its enough for me, as long as i can get atleast 9/10 in every assignment, n that's always the case. i concentrate when im stressed. haha. i know im a weirdo. but i dont care. everybody has their own way to do things n this is my way.

n my working environment? i need quiet. dead-of-night kind of quiet. its different when studying, i can study in whatever condition. i can study while watching tv, i surely can study while listening to my playlist, i can study in a crowd of people shouting to each other. all those sounds wont bother me, i even feel a lil bit weird studying without any sounds at all. but working, no. i need quiet. so when i have piles of work to do, i go to the library n sit in the quiet section (its block a in psas upm). or i'll start working at 10pm. sbb mase tu memg dah senyap. ok tolak la bunyi all those vehicles kat highway n erl n komuter. benda tu bukan kita boleh control pon. haha.

since this time its about me, here are some random things about me that u might not know n u wont even bother to know but i'll post it here anyway.

- i make the bed before i went to bed. i akan 'jeng' kan my bedsheet, fold my blanket, n position my pillows accordingly sebelum i lie down. haha. what's the point, i know. tp i tak selesa tido kalo cadar tu crumple2. kalo i dah baring tp i rase cadar tu mcm tak terpasang dengan betul n mcm longgar2 jek, i akan bangun dn betulkan cadar, no matter how sleepy i am. haha. weirdo. i know.

- sebelum i tido, i'll read. anything good. from novels to magazine. but im not a magazine type, so its always a novel. at least 3 pages. its like my own sleeping ritual.

- i sleep with atleast 2 books. literally. on the bed with me. haha.

- a week before my menstrual, i'll eat a lot. a lot. cant stop munching.

- sejak2 i dok umah sewa n masak, i tak pernah kesah dgn how much money i hv inside my purse. pernah tu i cume ade rm4 for two weeks. i will only withdraw the money bile i nak isi minyak kete, nak bayar sewa rumah, nak beli barang dapur or nak pg jalan2. haha. nak buat ape simpan cash byk2. bukan nk gune pon. emergency? visa kan ade. haha.

- i tak pandai menawar. i rase segan nak tawar2 harga. kalo harga barang tu rm50, itu la yg i bayar. bile pg shopping dgn sape2 pun, kalo org tu start bargaining, i akan pg tempat lain. menyorok celah2 tudung ke. sbb i segan. haha. i think its an inherited trait la. i tak pernah nmpk my mom or my dad bargaining gile2 smpi mcm nak gaduh dgn org kedai tu. paling2 pun 2, 3 kali mintak kurang, pastu dah. itu pun kalo harga die ridiculous gile. mak kate, setiap rezeki tu ade bahagian org lain. kan ke kalo kite meniaga, untung kite tak bleh lebih dpd 50% harga barang? jadi i percaya je la dgn makcik2 jual tudung kat kedai tu.kesian pulak nak tawar2. hahaha.

hahahaha. so that, are some random facts about me. boring tho it might seems, tp sukati i la. i bukan blogging sbb nak cerita pasal some political issue. i hate politics by the way. i bukan blogging sbb i nak komen pasal budget 2010 or harga minyak baik or some other issue. there are enough blogger out there who write about that. i bukan blogging sbb nak promote barang. i blog, sbb i nak blog. bcz i love writing crappy things. bcz i love talking about myself. bcz i want to share things i do, i did.

so for some people yg rase its not worth reading my blog bcz its not 'berilmu' or 'berfaedah', stop reading. i dont remember inviting u. tp for some of others yg tak kesah pon. u are soo welcomed. welcome to read, welcome to share thought, welcome to tegur me if i did something wrong.

there. i finished writing. after a lot of crappy talking. haha.

takde motif.

2009-11-03T06:31:00.000-08:00

salam. sbenarnya i ada byk keje nak kene siapkan mlm ni, tp sbb im soo sleepy n am waiting for the caffeine to kick in, i decided to write an entry. but i didnt decide what am i going to write about, so i guess we'll just go random je lah.

1. i nak ucap tahniah sgt2 dkt my besterestest fren, nahar yg dh diterima bekerja as a reseach engineer (if im not mistaken) dkt proton, shah alam. i am sooo very proud of you. finally u dpt jugak keje yg u suke. alhamdulillah.

2. i tgh rase risau sgt skrg sbb i dh terbuat satu kesalahn yg menentukan hidup dn mati i dlm program master ni. skrg i just hope for the best and prepare for the worse. sbb i know, memg i yg salah. tsk.

3. i rase i dh gemuk sgt skrg. gemuk sgt. dh terase diri sendiri berat nak bwk. haha tipu. tp memg i rase dh gemuk sgt. maka i skrg tgh berkire2 untuk start dieting. tp blom research lagi. haha. i miss my matric self. i want that weight again!

4. i tak sabar nk tunggu new moon kuar.

5. minggu depan i nk gi pasang rear seatbelt kat mr bird. euw i know that sounds so dirty, but its not. mr bird is my car. kenari? bird? can u see the resemblance? ahahahahahaha.

6. i need to shop for new clothes!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. dah takde idea.

oklah bye.

broken hearted.

2009-11-02T07:02:00.000-08:00

You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No...No
No broken-hearted girl
I’m no broken-hearted girl

Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would've walk away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No…No
No broken-hearted girl

Now I’m at a place I thought I’d never be…Oooo
I’m living in a world that’s all about you and me…yeah
Ain't gotta be afraid my broken heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away With you
yeah yeah yeah, ohh ohh ohh

I don’t wanna be without my baby
I don’t wanna a broken heart
Don’t want to take a breath with out my baby
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way..No..No
I don’t want a broken heart
I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl..No..No..
No broken-hearted girl
Broken-hearted girl No…no…
No broken-hearted girl
No broken-hearted girl

Broken hearted girl - beyonce

hmm.

2009-11-01T21:09:00.000-08:00

ok2. i dh tau dh. blog memg dh penuh dgn sawang. buat ape ade blog kalo tak bleh nk update every other day kan? ok maybe bukan every other day, tp sure la bukan 2 minggu sekali kan. haha. i memg tgh agak busy kot skrg ni, sbb sem dh nk abes kan. so assignments sume kene submit, plus i hv an interview. technically i wasnt being interviewed, but yeah. whatever lah.

the interview, i mean, my INSAK test went quite well. oh i think God would forgive me for being such a hypocrite bitch while answering those Qs. bukannye ape, kalo i jujur segala kan, confirm la i tak lulus that test kan? so terpaksala hipokrit dn mengaku yg baik2 saja. contoh soalan yg ridiculous,

1. adab makan saya adalah berbeza di rumah dan di luar. ( i mean, ape kene mengena2 perbezaan adab makan dgn jadi cikgu?)

2. saya tidak akan berkongsi buku yang anda pinjam walaupun ia mengandungi maklumat penting. (ok yg ni i serious confuse. saya? anda?)

serious, kalau someone dpd my faculty yg expert pasal instrument development bace soalan2 dlm buku pink ni, confirm diorg akan suruh kementerian buat semula. betul. sekejap saya, sekejap anda, confuse. bukan ke personality test ni adalah a type of survey? dn mengikut ape yg i dh belaja slnjg sem ni, instrument tak bleh mengelirukan respondent. maka kalau i salah faham dn fail, then u cannot blame me. blame the confusing questions, n whoever developed them (defensive mode).

ntah la. i tatau nk tulis ape lagi. kepala asyik fikir pasal assignments prof habibah yg nak antar esok. ptg ni anta assignment dr othman. esok pun nak exam research method, ape pun tak bace lagi. haih.

friends.forever.

2009-10-23T22:24:00.000-07:00

True Friends - Miley Cyrus

We sent our cards and letters BFF
You've got a million ways to make me laugh
You're looking out for me
You've got my back
So good to have you around

You know the secrets I could never tell
And when I'm quiet you break through my shell
Don't feel the need to do a rebel yell
Cuz you keep my feet on the ground

You're a true friend
You're here till the end
You pull me aside when somethin' ain't right
Talk with me now and into the night
Till it's alright again
You're a true friend

You don't get angry when I change the plans
Somehow you're never out of second chances
Won't say "I told you" when I'm wrong again
I'm so lucky that I found

A true friend
You're here till the end
You pull me aside when somethin' ain't right
Talk with me now and into the night
Till it's alright again

True friends will go to the end of the earth
Till they find the things you need
Friends hang on to the ups and the downs
Cuz they got someone to believe in

You're a true friend
You're here 'til the end
You pull me aside me aside when somethin' ain't right
Talk with me now and into the night,
No need to pretend

You're a true friend
You're here 'til the end
You pull me aside when somethin' ain't right
Talk with me now and into the night
'Til it's alright again
You're a true friend

You're a true friend
You're a true friend

***********now this is me talking***********

sesungguhnya i sangat grateful and thankful with my circle of friends. u guys are the greatest in the world.

dedicated to those who stuck with me come hell or high water. those who stayed in my ups and downs. those who never failed to be by my side no matter what. those who still hold my hand when everyone else doesnt. those who lifted me up when im falling down. those who still believed in me when rumours spreading out. u are the best. u are the greatest. and im so thankful to have u around.

ain.amal.along.neya.nahar.faiz.ezy.aifaa.fauzi.

thanks.for everything.

Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.

finally.

2009-10-21T23:44:00.001-07:00

TAHNIAH!

Anda berjaya dipanggil temuduga Guru Sandaran Terlatih Siswazah (GSTS) Keluaran IPTA Sesi Okt/Nov 2009. Berikut adalah maklumat panggilan temuduga tersebut:

No. Kad Pengenalan : 870509016048

Nama : Yuhaniz binti Anuar
Tempat Temuduga : Bahagian Teknologi Pendidikan Negeri,
No 1 Jalan Hang Jebat,
Taman Skudai Baru,
81300 Skudai,
Johor
Tarikh Temuduga : 29 Oktober 2009
Masa Temuduga : 8 pagi

besok jugak i cabut balik johor~

almost lover.

2009-10-21T21:53:00.000-07:00

Almost lover - A Fine Frenzy
You fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you’d never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy for you
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

hmm.

2009-10-21T03:53:00.000-07:00

di satu malam yg dh nak pagi dh pun..

him: sayang, abg rase kan org yg curi fon abg tu pakai penyepit la.

me: penyepit?mcm tweezer tu?

him: ape bende tu? sejenis kuih yg dh pupus ke?

me: bukan la. tweezer. yg salu org gune untuk kuarkan splinters tu.

him: splinters?

me: ye la. splinters. ala kalau kite pegang kayu2 yg dh nk reput tu, pastu serpihan kayu tu mcm termasuk kat dlm kulit kite tu. ala...ape ek splinters dlm bahasa melayu?

him: ntah. splinters tu ape pun abg tak tau. baru first time dgr ni.

me: hmmm..(fikir jap)..ha! selumbar! splinters tu selumbar la syg.

him: selumbar? ape tu?

me: abg ni. selumbar pun tatau. selumbar tu splinters la. yg serpih kayu masuk dlm kulit kite pastu sakit pastu bengkak tu.

him: syg tau tak, 23 tahun abg hidup, baru ni la first time abg dgr selumbar. abg baru nk save as dlm kepala abg ni.

me: tipu la. semua org pun tau selumbar. abg ni dulu skolah kat mane?

him: selumbar tu org pontian je yg pakai. org layang tak panggil bende tu selumbar.

me: ye la tu. abes org layang panggil bende tu ape?

him: selamber.

dikala ini i rase memg i dh ketuk die kalo die ade depan i.

me: byk la abg.

him: betul la. maybe abg pnh dgr kot tp tak register dlm kepala.

me: gile denial seh die ni (dlm hati je la).

him: syg, abg rase sbb perkataan tu la abg dpt B kot spm abg. syg memg hebat la. byk vocab bm. patut la dpt A spm dulu.

me: hmm memang. ha tapi tau tak tweezer tu ape?

him: tweezer tu bende ape la pulak?

me: ala bende kecik yg org bawak keluar splinters tu dpd tgn la.

him: la, yg org buat cabut uban tu? salah. tak menepati konsep betul la. abg ckp pasal penyepit la.

me: tweezer tu penyepit la.

him: bukan la. abg ckp pasal penyepit yg salu org pakai nk amek arang tu.

me: yg mcm sepit kuih tu ke?

him: bukan la. yg mcm gunting tu.

me: ok. pastu?

him: abg rase die sambungkan jadi panjang la. pastu gune bende tu la die curi fon abg.

me: ye lah.

mcm tu pun bleh jadi issue. hihi. but he is who he is. sunshine. lights up my day everytime. =)

some issue.

2009-10-19T08:13:00.000-07:00

i miss u.

n it sucks, because i cannot miss u.

u cannot be missed.

but i miss u n i miss u so much it makes me wanna cry.

bcz it sucks.

but i miss u.

i miss u.

n i miss u.

it sucks.

n it hurts, too. deeply, even.

alone and lonely.

2009-10-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

now its 3 am in the morning, and i hv to wake up early tomorrow (technically its today but whatever i dun care) bcz dr fauzi is fetching me at 10 o'clock. but i still cant sleep. yeah i know i hv a lot of trouble sleeping these days, but tonight, somehow its more troubling, u know.

bcz im alone tonight. alone in this home. n bcz i am a penakut person to an excruciating level, even the sound of a needle dropped on to the floor scares me. plus its deepavali n somehow my neighbours manage to feel the need of firing firecrackers at 3o'clock in the morning n clearly did not have the courtesy to let people sleep soundly on their bed. plus it sounds like its raining heavily outside. plus a truck driver decided to push his honk button at this moment. i am so scared, i couldnt even close my eyes. every sound registered, u know, n tiny, tiny little sound sounds like a bomb was dropped somewhere outside my house. yes i know i am 22 now n will become 23 in less than a year, n 23 is such an age where i start working n half way thru my masters n all, but im still as penakut as i was 20 years ago. my mother said when i was 2, i was so scared of people, that i cried even when my neighbour back then was looking at me. he was just looking for heaven sake, n i was in my mom's arms, n i cried. pathetic, was i? ha. ha. i dun care. i was a penakut kid, i am a penakut adult (am i matured enuf to legally become an adult now? i dunno. u decide) n i am not ashamed to admit that. what is wrong with being penakut? i am not a coward, im just afraid of many many things. haha.

so im spending my time playing cafe world, an application in facebook, while waiting for grey's anatomy to finish downloading. oh did u know that george died? he was dragged by a bus for like five miles or something, after pushing a woman out of the way. a stranger woman. how many of us will do that? i mean, im not sure i will. a total stranger. n i like george. n i missed him on the show. n now izzie has been fired. but i wont stop watching anyway. bcz i still cant get enough of derek, and his mcdreamy thing. haha.

tomorrow i'll be off to sg besar. somewhere between tg karang n tg malim, i think. i dont know. but the journey will take about 2 hours, i think. the treatment will take place on monday afternoon, actually, but dr fauzi needs us to be there in the morning to set up 3 computer labs, n we have to pack the goodie bags for all the subjects, that is to say, form 2 students in SMK Sg Besar who will be involved in this study. so there's a lot of work to be done, n that's why we are leaving tomorrow. n we will spend the night at ellie's house. ellie is one of the 5 masters students who are involved in this study. the others, well, there's me, of course, aifaa, izzah, n fazliana, or mek na, dr fauzi's RA, zaimah, n dr fauzi.

i think i need to lay down now. hope to get some sleep before tomorrow.

till then.

to my man.

2009-10-14T11:06:00.001-07:00

i love you and i love you more everyday. so dont stop loving me and dont give up on me. i know i am such a selfish bitch sometimes, but it doesnt mean that i love you less. please, dont give up on me. u are my definition of a man, u are perfect for me. i love u because u are u. so dont stop being u. because u are perfect for me. u made my day. u are one of the best thing that ever happened to me.

and i look forward to the day we become one.

pantang.

2009-10-10T09:27:00.000-07:00

this pantang i am going to talk about is not ko-memg-pantang-jumpe-durian-ko-mesti-nak-telan-20-biji pantang, nor ko-memg-pantang-jumpe-aku-ko-mesti-nak-buat-aku-sakit-hati pantang. this is ko-kene-pantang-makan-bende-ni-beb-kalo-tak-ko-bleh-bentan-punye pantang. n being told not to eat something u have been eaten like the rest of ur life is soo annoying u know, especially when it is for-ur-own-good kind of thing.

n i do hv a thing for fat. real fat, like kulit ayam. u know that pak mail (he's the family fren who also is an alternative medicine practitioner) said that kulit ayam adalah lemak yang paling lemak dalam dunia. n it is also my favourite (look at my size now n u will see that i eat kulit ayam religiously).

n seeing that the problem with me is my hempedu cannot function well, n everybody who took biology for their spm will know that jus hempedu tu berfungsi untuk digest lemak, so i was being told to avoid all kind of lemak, because my digestion system will not be able to digest them properly. n i am not to eat outside food anymore, for we dont know if they have re-use the cooking oil for God knows how many times. fast food are also out, which means no KFC, no McD, no pizzahut, no ayamas whatsoever. mamak memg dh out awal2, so no roti canai kosong for me. that means i have to cook my own food, or eat rotis n vegetables n fruits n those rabbit food for a change. n when im cooking, i am not to use and re-use cooking oil. that means i hv to buy a whole stock of minyak masak after this, for i hv to throw them away after using them. n my favourite food, kulit ayam, is the most forbidden. like some kind of racun or something. ok, everybody knows kulit ayam memg no good for ur health. but they eat it anyway, right? so did i. so after this i hv to go for chicken breast for a change. oh i hate chicken breast. *frown.

why am i talkin about this? bcz i never care which food i can eat n which food i cant. i cannot eat prawns bcz they will give me boils all around my fingers, but i eat them anyway. i cannot eat nasi minyak with all those lauk that come with it, bcz they will give me headache, but i eat nasi minyak anyway. what do i care if i hv boils all around me or acute headache that pins me to the bed? i dont want to miss all those nikmat from the food i cant eat.

but when my mom said, ' mak cakap je, bagi tau, kalo ko nak hidup lama, ko elak la, tapi kalo ko rase dh byk sgt pahala dh ckup nk masuk syurga, ko buatla ikut suka hati ko', i tersentak. huhu. mak ni, sentap betul la. give me an ultimatum about life and death. so rase takut pun dtg. sbb i know, i blum ckup amal lagi nak jumpa Tuhan skrg. i need all those years i can have to repent and do all good deeds i can manage.

maka i bertekad, mulai daripada saat ini, i akan take my meds religiously. i will avoid oily food. i will not buy food outside if i could help it. i will stay away from fastfood n mamak. bcz i need to live longer. i dont want to kill myself. ok, not jump-off-the-roof punye suicidal, but u get what i mean. i will try to live a healthy life and eat healthy food.

ckp memg senang beb. nak buat? nak tinggalkan life yg kite dh hidup for 20 years? old habits die hard. really hard. but i will try. for me. for my mom. for my dad. for my family. for my future.

ps: u might wonder why i cant take my meds on time. bcz these meds, they need to be eaten with empty stomach. empty. perut kosong. i mean, i ate my meds like every morning when i woke up, but for the rest of the day, my stomach never empties. u see my problem? i dont have empty stomach, how can i take my meds? maybe after this i shud eat on time. an eating schedule is what i need. or maybe i cud eat a little bit less? i dont know.

whatever suits u. or not.

2009-10-10T04:09:00.000-07:00

Ape yg penting?
Kemaafan..
Ape yg penting?
Keinsafan..
Binatang peliharaan hebat, binatang peliharaan hebat,
kami datang,
meminta kemaafan dan kami insaf
kami xbuat lagi dan kami xkn buat lagi
menyakitkan hati kamu untuk selamanya..

***now this is me talking***

sorry, did u just called me 'binatang peliharaan'?

u think its cute?

no its cute. it is so not cute.

bcz im all offended.

seriously, asking for forgiveness n calling people 'binatang peliharaan hebat' at the same time is not a good way to say 'im sorry', right?

wud u ever forgive people who called u 'binatang peliharaan'?

no wonder its so hard for u to respect me as a human being with feelings as acute as yours. bcz i was never a human to u. i was more a binatang peliharaan hebat.

and seriously, 'binatang peliharaan hebat' sounds more insulting than 'wonderpet'.

all the more reasons to not forgive, right?

whatever. save ur apologies.

screw u.

could it be worse.....?

2009-10-06T08:40:00.000-07:00

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Fix You - Coldplay

hmm.

2009-10-05T09:55:00.000-07:00

it has been a while since my last post kan.

so many things happen kot since the last post, which was about 8 days ago.

1) khairul's n73 went missing. missing. taken by a pencuri bongok while he's sleeping. the fon dh almost 3 years old dh, n full with lots n lots n lots of sentimental values. jahat kan pencurik tu? well anyway sbb phoning n texting are the only means of communications between us, ptg tu jugak he bought a new phone. LG. RM99. hahaha. dh bese pakai fon canggih, ha, amek la, kembali ke zaman polifonik. skrg he's torn between installing a new skirting on his already-got-a-nice-set-of-skirting car or buy a new phone with cameras n 3G so that we can make video calls n send MMSes like we always did. boleh plak die tanye pendapat i. of course lah i paksa die beli fon. bukannye kalo beli pasang skirting tu die bleh video call n MMS dgn i kan, actually i tak kisah pun kalo die beli fon baru ke tak, cume dpd die spend rm8++ over an unnecessary skirting, baikla beli fon kan. kan. kan.

2) i practically went home every weekend. my mom bawak i pg jumpe our family fren yg jugak an alternative medicine practitioner. n he said my bladder dh swollen twice the original size, n keeps extracting extra juices. so mende tu dh mess with my digestion system yg memg tak berape nk betul ni. kalo dibiarkan, if somehow the extra juices manage to enter my womb, bleh end up jd fibroid. pakcik tu kate la. so pakcik tu bg ubat n suruh pantang. no lemak2, elak mkn mknn yg dh dipanaskan byk2 kali, so that means mamak is out. hihi. so every week kene dtg jumpe pakcik tu untuk tgk progress.

3) workload dh thru the roof. sgt byk. super byk. dn skrg ni i pening mane nk buat dulu. rase kene ade to-do list la kat dlm blog ni. so everytime i waste my precious time visiting my own blog instead of finishing my works, i akan insaf dn terus menyiapkn keje. oh. bolehkah i buat to-do lists kat facebook n farmville???

4) just now, we were hosting a rumah terbuka. byk jugak la mknn, i myself memg tak bleh berhenti. huhu. tak ramai pun guests, sbb kawan2 kitorg ramai yg dh balik negeri masing2 after graduate dn yg tinggal cume kami2 yg sambung blaja jek. huhu. memg tiring gile la. tp dh siap kemas cuci pinggan sume dh, skrg ni pun i tgh thn mata sbb nk harvest aloe vera kat farm ville. jab lg dh fully grown. last time i checked dh 90%. uhuhu. bertahanlah wahai mata.

i miss khairul. so so much. i miss him. truly truly miss him. lagi2 bile dgr die mengadu tak selesa sbb selesema. oh God i miss him.

ok. that's it for now. rasenye kalo sempat esok bleh upload gmbr open house ri ni. tp esok jadual sgt padat. i hv two-weeks-worth of laundry to be laundered n it will take all morning. pkul 2 dh ade last lab, n claim pun tak buat lagi. oh sebenarnye i dh lupe my password untuk website bendahari. takpelah esok boleh ingat balik. skrg i tak larat nk recall. lab abes pkul 5, n i hv research method class 6-9. balik pkul 9 mesti terbongkang atas katil terus tido. dh la ade feeling yg tomorrow or the day after tomorrow akan jadi the day of the month. kesakitannye dh mule terasa. haih.

Tuhan. berilah ku kekuatan.

ps:bile i post dgn title 'hmm' tu maksudnye i dh tatau nk bg post tu tajuk ape. n there will be lots of 'hmm' entries to come. hahaha.

oh mengapa.

2009-09-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

kerja sangat banyak.

sangat banyak.

super banyak.

proposal.

presentations.with s.

tutorial.

courseware.

marking lab reports.

and yet perasaan malas tidak mahu pergi.

mengapa.

oh mengapa.

oh mengapa oh mengapa.

pergilah wahai malas.

berilah peluang kepada diri ini untuk menyiapkan kerja yang bertimbun ini.

kenapa la hai.

2009-09-17T14:01:00.000-07:00

i have to drive today. all the way to johor. mind u, johor bukan muar johor. tp pontian johor. literally twice the journey from here, serdang.4-hours drive.

n yet i still have trouble sleeping.

smlm mase pg amek elia kat ulu kelang n was stucked in traffic jam all the way dpd jalan ampang sampai la masuk ke mrrII, mate punye la meronta-ronta minta ditutup.

tp bila dah sampai rumah, dah pukul 3.00 pagi pun masih tak bleh tido.

n still terjaga pkul 4.45 out of habit.

so setakat ni baru tido 1 jam 45 minit. blom lagi kire berapa kali terjaga.

maka i telah memasak sup ayam untuk juadah sahur.

harap2 boleh tido selepas subuh, i plan nak gerak pkul 8 pagi. takut la tersengguk2 mase drive. dah la hari ni kereta kat highway confirm banyak gila.

jauhnya perjalanan. doakan i selamat sampai.

amin.

mari mari.

2009-09-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

tadi ke ikea. belikan mak teaset:rm39 yg sgt cantik, dan tray plastik rm4.90.

harap mak suka.

esok mahu pulang ke kampung halaman.

driving alone, so hopefully selamat sampai in one piece.

amin.

tak sabar nk tengok baju raya colour ape.

so nak ucapkan

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI

MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN

tears can only do so much.

2009-09-15T08:46:00.000-07:00

Kau katakan cinta gunakan akal
Bila aku gunakan
Kau yang menyangkal
Bagaimana nak kekal

Kau katakan cinta gunakan minda
Bila aku gunakan
Kau yang tak percaya
Bagaimana nak bahagia

Maaf mu tak bererti kau mudah sesali
Berulang kali telah kau mungkiri
Manis mulut berjanji
Terperdaya lagi
Menanti biar terus didustai

Kaulah bahagia bagiku
Kaulah derita bagiku
Lusamu tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa

Dan aku cuba sedaya upaya
Telah ku usaha dengan sepenuh jiwa
Bagaimana hendak ku lupa
Bayangan wajahmu
Selalu di depan mata
Harum baumu
Masih dapat ku hidu

Bagaimana ingin aku membencimu
Jikalau setiap hari merindu

Sekiranya derita merinduimu itu
Sebenarnya bahagia

Aku pilih derita

Kaulah bahagia bagiku
Kaulah derita bagiku
Esok lusamu tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa

Mungkinkah esok atau lusa
Walau biarpun lama
Akan ku biar tiada
Ku tetap kan setia

Entah bila akan tiba
Sampai jua harimu yang sama
Esok seperti semalaman yang tak berubah

Kaulah tanda tanya
Kau tiada titik noktah
Ku dibuai mimpi lena
Dikejut igau semula

Seandainya kau berada di depan mata
Mudah untuk aku berkata-kata
Supaya dapatku melihat seraut wajahmu
Walaupun belum tentu kau mahu bertemu
Apa lagi memandangku

Setelah ku turutkan segala kemahuan
Kau mainkan perasaan
Begitu mudah kau ucapkan
Terimalah saja kenyataan

Aku masih terkilan

Maafmu tak bererti kau mudah sesali
Berulang kali telah kau mungkiri
Manis mulut berjanji
Terperdaya lagi
Menanti biar terus didustai

Kaulah bahagia bagiku
Kaulah derita bagiku
Esok lusamu tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa

Jika kau dapat memahami
Hati seorang perindu
Baru kau tahu
Derita hatiku

Jika suatu hari nanti
Giliran kau merindu
Baru kau ingat
Derita diriku

Segala yang berlaku
Bukan kemahuan ku
Apa gunanya bahagia
Jikalau bahagia bersamamu
Hanyalah untuk sementara waktu

Aku pilih derita merinduimu

Maaf mu tak bererti kau mudah sesalu
Berulang kali telah kau mungkiri
Manis mulut berjanji
Terperdaya lagi
Menanti biar terus didustai

Kaulah bahagia bagiku
Kaulah derita bagiku
Esok lusamu tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa

Tak ku kenal engkau siapa

Derita Merindu - Ahli Fiqir

sampai syurga.

2009-09-14T14:50:00.000-07:00

dedicated to mr khairul fadzli; u are one concrete reason to fight and live for.

Ku membenarkan jiwaku untuk mencintaimu

Ku persembahkan hidupku untuk bersama kamu

Dan diriku untuk kamu

Belum pernah kumerasai begitu

Semua itu telah berlalu

Harapanku palsu

Dan mungkin hari yang satu terus ku tertunggu

Di hatiku masih kamu

Belum pernah ku ingin terus memburu

Aku lemah tanpa kamu

Ku inginmu dampingi ku

Aku fahami aku bukan terbaik untuk dirimu

Sampai syurga ku menunggu

Sampai syurga ku cinta mu

Hanya satu

Hanya kamu

Ku membiarkan hatiku untuk merinduimu

Ku menghamparkan sakitku untuk tatapan kamu

Bersamamu harapanku hilang dalam terang yang membutakanku

Dan segala yang ku ada

Ku berikan semua untuk dirimu saja

Ku mahu dirimu bahagia untuk selamanya

Biar sampai syurga aku menunggu cinta darimu

Agar ku sempurna

Aku fahami aku bukan terbaik untuk dirimu

Namun aku tetap aku

Yang terbaik tuk diriku hanya satu

Sampai syurga ku menunggu

Sampai syurga ku cintamu

Hanya kamu

sometimes.

2009-09-14T10:39:00.000-07:00

kenape i smbung master:

1. sbb i kalo bleh nk elak mengajar kat skolah sbb i kurg sabar. so untuk mengajar di poli, uni, maktab, its easier if i have the highest qualification. so i sambung master.

2. sbb i tak mungkin posting sehingga bulan 1 tahun depan (interview pun belum kene panggil lagi) so i might as well spend the whole 7 months studying, sbb i tetap akan sambung my master anyway. this way, i tak membazir masa. so i sambung master.

3. i practically spent half my age away from my parents. i masuk boarding school, then matrikulasi, then here i am, UPM. so i was used to doing things my way, doing what i want, whenever i want. n i dont want to lose that freedom, not yet. so i sambung master.

n that is our theme for this entry.

freedom.

bukan i tak syg parents i. i love them more than anything i know. i love them more than i love myself. i love being with them. i suke balik umah. even i jauh dpd umah, i will always find time to balik. even for 2 days, weekend. i sanggup penat2 dlm bus semata2 nk balik umah dn spend some time with my family. i sanggup balik umah penat2 untuk jenguk umah once in a while, semata2 untuk tlg my mom kemas the whole house sbb i know she did not have the time. i appreciate that my parents gave me the car, the money every month, n everything. i am sooo grateful. n i love my parents. i really, really, really do. i cannot imagine my life without them.

but i was so used of doing things my way. buat ape yg i nk buat, bile i nk buat. i bukan jenis yg kuar mlm every night. i am so a homey person. i lebih byk spend mase kat umah kalo i takde ape2 urusan pntg. i pnh tak kuar dpd umah for 3 days, smpi my housemate kate kalo die, die akan rase serabut sbb boring gile dok umah. tp i tak. i suke dok umah.

tp bile i nk kuar once in a while, bile i terase nk mkn kat kfc, bile i terase nk amek angin jalan2 kat luar, bile i terase nk pg jalan dkt shopping complex for nothing, i boleh buat. i tak perlu mintak izin sesiapa. ok, mungkin i akan btau khairul where am i going, dgn sape, tp tu sume i dh terbiasa buat. n he never said no. ok, mungkin kdg2 die kate tak boleh. tp as long as i kuar dgn kwn2 perempuan, kalo ade lelaki pun takpe asalkan bukan berdua, asalkan i tak pergi tempat pelik2, asalkan i tak balik lewat sgt, its ok with him. but the point is, i have the freedom. i was so used with the freedom.

dn bile balik umah, my parents' house i mean, i dun hv the freedom. ok. maybe i tak rase sgt, sbb i memg jarang dok rumah lame for one thing, dn salunye bile i balik, i takde kawan pun nk hang out. so mostly i akan spend my time kat umah je, helping my mom with the house chores n all that. no problem with me. i dah biasa kemas umah. i dh biasa mop lantai. i dh biasa cuci toilet. i dh biasa masak untuk adik2 i kalo my mom tak smpat balik untuk masak lunch (which usually, bile i ade kat umah, my mom memg tak balik lunch), i dh biasa jd despatch 4 my mom, untuk hantar all those dental cases to the clinics.

cume, bile i kat umah, i rase tak bebas. kalo i ade kat umah 2 bulan, 2 bulan la i di umah. literally inside the house. i tak pnh ade kwn2 yg ajak i kuar, bcz the only fren yg salu ajak i kuar bile i kat umah is amal, n she's rarely at home. i memg tak ramai kwn hang out. seriously. cume salunye, 2 bulan i kat umah, 2 bulan lah i tak jumpe khairul. n he gets that, die tau yg i memg susah nk kuar bile i dh kat umah.

dn oleh sbb i jarang kuar umah bile i kat umah, my mom selalunya takde mslh kalo i nk kuar pg mane2. as long as everything kat umah dh siap, umah dh kemas, laundry dh siap, dapur dh lap, my mom takde mslh nk lepaskan i kuar. tp around pontian only. i jrg sgt ke jb. dn i jrg kuar mlm, so usually by 7pm, i dh ade kat umah. dn bile kdg2 i n adik kuar mlm pun, sbb pg beli kfc (take away) n pg pasar mlm. that's it. memg life i sgt dull.

n i tau, the longer i stay at home, the higher the possibility for me to have those misunderstanding moments with my mom. ntahlah. lagi lame i kat umah, lagi sensitif my mom jdnya. everything pun seems wrong to her. mungkin sbb my mom tension dgn kerja, so since im at home, so she sorts of lepaskan kat i. kdg2 bukan marah pun, cume terlepas. i fhm. i know she's tired and all that. i get that. that's why la, i seboleh2 nye cube nk elak those misunderstanding. by staying at home for not too long. long enuf for me to lepaskan all the rindu, tp not so long for those moments to be triggered. i love my mom, i know she'd done her best for the family. for me. i know she'd gave me everything she can. that's why i dont want to hv those moments with her. i guess, daughters are made to be away from their moms. mungkin sbb kite dh besar, dh ade kehendak sendiri, dh ade care berfikir sendiri.

dn untuk amal, ain dn sesiapa yg mengalami masalah ini, bersabarlah. if u cant take it anymore, try to get away from home. tp secara berhemah. secara lembut. secara yg tidak boleh membuatkan mak ayah terluka. kerana kite, the daughters, are still their responsibilities. bcz no matter how old are we, we will always be their child. their children. kerana pd mata diorg, kite tak pernah membesar. kite masih perlu dilindungi. bcz they still cannot trust us, n they never will. bcz they love us. n we love them too. dn kerana syurga itu tetap di bwh tapak kaki ibu.

or u can further ur studies, like i did.

=)

lets talk medicine.

2009-09-13T19:01:00.001-07:00

literally, i mean.

presenting.

my very own collection of:

antacid.

nexium.

ni due2 obat sakit perut. yg antacid tu sume org tau la kot, ubat gastrik. kalo org kampung panggil, air kapur.kot. tp jauh lg sedap la dpd air kapur. ahaha. fungsi die, meneutralkan stomach acid. kite tau kan yg dlm perut kite ade acid. untuk tlg hadam mknn. so bile gastrik, acid ni terlebih. so fungsi antacid ni, mcm counteracts la dgn stomach acid tu. yg nexium tu, die kurgkan formation gastric acid. hihi. tu yg dr ckp la.i tak amek farmakologi mahupun medical. =P.

dan ni adalah bekalan ubat untuk 10 hari, yg telah di prescribe oleh dr pagi td semase i ke PK.

been scheduled for an endoscopy after raya.

last capsule of cephalexin monohydrate 250mg

2009-09-13T05:01:00.001-07:00

FINALLY!!

random.

2009-09-12T14:25:00.000-07:00

1. i rase mcm nk ketuk kepale sendiri sbb lupe bwk lens case n solution pdhl dh siap packing dh.

2. skrg i tgh tgu subuh, sbb kalo i tido skrg (now its 5.26am) alamatnye my subuh akan ke laut.

3. i rase grateful sbb esok (sunday) hari last mkn antibiotic. antibiotic tu rase die sungguh hell. oh bulan puasa. ampun.

4. so far, total hari i kene ganti puasa adalah sbnyk 12 hari. dn hrp no tu takkan meningkat.

5. on monday i nk pg PK sbb my vomitting ni tak stop lg despite antibiotic yg dh abes.

6. i balik pontian hari jumaat. note to amal: bile ko nk buke puasa dgn aku plak babe?

7. i skrg tgh bace harry potter and the goblet of fire for the i-lost-count-already-th time.

8. i ade kelas hari isnin yg i tatau kene present ke tak,tp i tak buat ape2 preparation pun.

9. hari yg i balik johor tu, my boyfren n family akan balik kl (kampung ibu die kat kepong). sgt sakit hati kan.

10. esok i nk tolong my aunt buat biskut arab dn cappuccino.

11. i nk ucap slmt bekerja kpd my besfren, nahar yg akan memulakan kerjanya di ipoh (die org mersing) pd minggu terakhir ramadan (this monday), dgn ucapan, smoga dpt cuti raya.

12. i dh ckp dgn my ex-clasmet, afiq (name glamer die, apek) yg i nk menyibuk kalo die nk buat konvoi raye dgn clasmet2 i yg len. kalo die tak ajak, i kecik ati. note to amal: ko termasuk dlm perancangan ok.

13. i kene buat spek baru. i dh delay lame sbb lens spek tu dh kurg power or my eyes yg dh increase power, i dont know. yg penting, i delay dh lame. skrg die sudah patah. so i btul2 kene buat spek baru.

14. ok dh abes idea. tp belum masuk waktu subuh.

15. mase pencurik bodoh tu curik laptop i, die tak curi my mouse. n my rm40 phillips earphone. pdhl my housemate punye headphone yg lg murah die bleh curi. mungkin sbb headphone tu bentuk lg sophistikated, dn pencurik bodoh tu ingat headphone tu lg mahal.

16. i ade impian nk beli lg satu set buku harry potter, walaupun i dh ade satu set skrg.

17. boyfren i ajak i kawen bulan sepuluh tahun depan.

18. boyfren i ajak gi kursus kawen bulan depan.

19. pcaye atau tidak, i tido dikelilingi dgn balang2 kuih yg tinggal tunggu mase je nk jumpe tuan2 baru. literally. pcaye atau tidak (believe it or not).

20. laptop baru i ni, cume ade 2 je usb port. pdhl i ade modem broadband, mouse dn cooler. blom lg masuk kalo nk cucuk pendrive. oh i miss my old laptop yg dh dicurik oleh pencurik bodoh itu. die ade 4 usb port.i bleh bermaharajalela.

21. ok dh 5.45am. subuh dh masuk.